The radical cat agenda

Evil cat menacing an innocent dog
(Courtesy of Birhanb; CC BY-SA)

The only reason I can figure out why the story about the cat rescuing the little boy in California who was being attacked by a dog is such a big deal--one that even the BBC felt it was necessary to carry--is that this is such a rare behavior for cats: Looking after and saving someone other than themselves.

Rescuing people from disaster is something dogs have been doing for centuries, so this is less newsworthy, I'm assuming.

I don't hate cats. Some I actually like. Some can be quite sweet-natured, cuddly even. Cats don't seem to always have an agenda, but maybe they're just more subtle about it.

I've been attacked twice by dogs (badly, scarily), so I don't love all dogs unconditionally by any means. But, overall, I'm admittedly more of a dog person than a cat person. While I fully accept the argument that dogs are sycophants, always trying to play you so that you'll give them food, lots and lots of food, it's my general observation that dogs are more agreeable company, sensitive to your feelings, and helpful to human beings.

When is the last time you saw a rescue cat sniff out a live person among earthquake rubble? I rest my pet carrier case.

Part of my issue with cats is their random nervousness, meanness, and outsized hostility to anyone who enters their physical space. I mean, really, it was just the damned door that slammed. You are not in a horror movie; that was not a serial killer. Jeez. Just lighten up, Whiskers.

Cats remind me of my former boyfriend, Cali, come to think of it. And with him in mind, I'd argue that if I wanted something around the house that shed everywhere, was moody and ill-tempered most of the time, and was fond of licking butts, I'd just as soon have another boyfriend than a cat.

But my real issue with cats is the unabashed cat lover. In modern times, there is an oppressive, inescapable Cult of the Cat, at least in evidence on the internet and social media. It's the whole nerd-geek, "I'm so special, quirky, and different that I'm actually cool!" agenda at work. Memes involving Jean-Luc Picard, bad jokes from George Takei's Facebook page, Harry Potter, Game of Thrones, kale as a viable nutritional source, tea instead of coffee (and herbal tea at that), gaming as some sort of divine ritual, righteous-if-shallow politics, zombies, and above all else, the worshipping of fur-shedding, hand-scratching, butt-licking, baby-smothering cats.

So cuddly--how could you not welcome this into your home?
(Courtesy of Luis Miguel Bugallo Sánchez; CC BY)

No, none of this makes you cool. Not in the least. You're just tedious, boring, and narcissistic. You're the human cultural equivalent of Washington, D.C. A lot of us are tired of your navel-gazing, poor-excuse-for-a-hipster, allegedly clever and sub-ironic behavior and wish you would just go away. To a galaxy far, far away, for example. And take your damn cats with you.

And if you don't feel this way or understand this complaint then . . . maybe it's time to take your cat for a walk.

Good luck with the leash.