Saturday, November 26, 2011

My Christmas is ruined!

After getting dribs and drabs, bits and bobs, all day yesterday, I made a point last night of watching the 11 o'clock news. I had to see how some members of our citizenry had conducted themselves during the Black Friday orgy.

Oh my. "Bread and circuses courtesy of Caligula" doesn't even begin to cover it. More like gunshots and cannibalism.

All I can say is that after watching the holiday shopping report, I realize that am I not only tardy in my gift-buying for family and friends this year, I'm also extraordinarily behind in my targeted pepper-spraying of random shoppers for the sake of bargains on consumer electronics.

Shame on me.

Friday, November 25, 2011

My Black Friday shopping list

I got up early today for Black Friday shopping. I just had a few items on my list, but I wanted to get my shopping out of the way early, so I could enjoy the rest of the holiday weekend and to beat the rush at the emergency room due to all that "freestyle" bargain-hunting.

Here's my list:
  • The new CD by Bachmann Turn-him Overdrive featuring the greatest hits of noted Minnesotan songbirds, Michele and Marcus Bachmann. Features one hit, their version of "It's Raining Men" by the Weather Girls, performed in a continuous loop for 60 minutes. Guaranteed to turn him one way or another. Note: The state bird of Minnesota is the Common Loon.
  • The Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia Grow-a-Spine Kit for Democrats. You're supposed to be able to rub the seeds starting up your backside to the base of your cerebellum, add water, and within 4 to 8 years a spine will grow in place where one has never grown before. Be careful not to start too low with the seeds 'cause you just end up growing a pole up your ass (i.e., that's the kit for Republicans). I was told that this product has yet to be introduced into the marketplace.
  • The Rick Perry Book of Brain Teasers. Such a bargain! A sheet of notebook paper listing two federal government agencies. Figure out the third one and you, too, might be eligible to run for president. 
  • The Ron Paul Surprise Package. One unadorned box of crazy. You must provide your own box, built from your own supply of raw materials, with absolutely no government support or interference. If that box ends up being built from a combination of plutonium, rabid alligators, and caustic fluids, well, too bad for you . . .
  • The Newt Gingrich Moral Compass. Out of Stock. I was told this has been on back order since at least the 1970s.
No money down now. You'll pay next year.

Happy holidays!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Another Middle Eastern crisis, another reappearance of Ivan Watson

And his hair.

This is a photo collage from a few weeks ago (not that I'm obsessive or anything); video from CNN International this morning showed that the floppy bits on either side of the part had actually gotten longer.

I'm still trying to figure out that cut. It perhaps is an easy 'do to deal with on the road and in war zones, requiring a minimum of muss and fuss and "product."

Nevertheless, those wings are a might distracting, Ivy. I keep wanting to send donations of barrettes to the Save the Ivan Watson Hair Foundation. A little more product might help here. Just sayin'.

Or something more. Surely there must be a Supercuts on the main drag in Gaza City or a Hair Cuttery off of Tahrir Square, no? For the love of all that is sacred in the Middle East (and there's quite a bit that is sacred, actually), please, one words, two syllables: Brylcreem.

A little dab'll do your 'do, dude.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

And the trophy for the world's longest awards show goes to . . .

The American Music Awards, which is like the elementary school field day of awards shows.

Apparently, everybody gets a prize no matter how good or bad they perform.

The original version of that joke was far more tasteless and, alas, far funnier.

I'll leave you with these thoughts--

The Remember to Lead with Hips Award goes to Adam Lambert, who sauntered onto the stage like Jane Russell in Gentleman Prefer Dongs. Or Rosalind Russell. Or maybe Nipsy Russell. Let's just call him Nipsy Rose Lambert from here on out.

J.Lo vs. the Fiat 500: Just cut to the chase--drop J.Lo and put the Fiat in the sparkly dress, then teach it to sing and dance. It's a toss-up whether she or the Fiat will turn out to be the more reliable performer.

I missed Christina Aguilera's dress, all 800 yards or 3 inches of it, depending. A friend on Twitter remarked that "it was just a shade White Trash."

Well, so's Christina. The Belle of Western Pennsylvania and all that.

And with that, good night, dear readers!

Rough housing, indeed

Lessons learned from the neighbors redux:

You, too, can reenact a WWE smackdown event in the comfort of your own bedroom(s), living room, dining room, bathroom, etc.

Oh, I *wish* there was some real rumbling going on. I would so call the cops or the landlord and have the whole bunch carted off to Attica circa 1970.

But alas, no, it's just "rough-housing." Not horseplay, thank you, Jesus.

Has there ever been a more inadvertently appropriate descriptive term? Housing doesn't get much rougher than this.

T minus 1 day and counting until I get the chance to view my (fingers crossed) new apartment . . .

African beer



"Umqombothi" by Yvonne Chaka Chaka. The video shows what I would imagine to be a traditional South African "shebeen," or (alcoholic beverage) watering hole, which, interestingly, Wikipedia compares to a Southern U.S. juke joint.

Umqombothi is a type of beer, produced in South Africa.

This song makes me ready for a long holiday weekend. But not a ritual circumcision. (See the article.)

Saturday, November 19, 2011

What's so funny?

"Obama is a socialist," says Rick Perry, according to a headline from CNN.

And Rick Perry is a dumb ass says Montag. And legions of others, I would imagine.

One thing I have tried to do in this new(ish) blog is not write so much about politics, or at least not write so seriously about politics. I really felt that sometime between summer 2009 and earlier this year I lost my way, not to mention by sense of humor. As did the rest of the country.

It's been a rough go over the last couple of years, for me and for our little First World hotspot, with some good happening but some bad as well.

The good (at least for me): In summer 2009, I spent 3+ weeks in Montréal, Québec, studying French, something I had never formally done. (Spanish was my second language and has served me well over the years.) In these pages, you'll see a lot of homages and shout-outs to France, Québec, and French and Francophone culture. I enjoy French-language pop, particularly that made in France and Québec, and I'm trying to learn more about customs, heritage, history, and language of Francophonie.

My time in Montréal was sort of a paying-the-piper moment. After hanging off French culture for many a year, I figured it was time that I actually learned some French. And while I'm by no stretch of the imagination fluent or even highly capable in the language, it has paid off in little ways, even if sometimes that payoff has "just" meant more satisfaction with my life.

Doing the can-can-can: We take what we can, when we can, while we can.

I was definitely living in a bubble those weeks in Montréal--a bubble that floated along with hot-and-cold-running paté, poutine, and brie and pear sandwiches on baguette, no less. While I stayed in the dorms without a TV, I did have a computer and followed the news . . . but chiefly only the Canadian and international news. And other than an occasional foot floating ashore near Vancouver, or a serial killer loose on the prairie, there just isn't the kind of "ripped from the headlines" happenings in our dear neighbor to the north as we are used to down south.

One of the beautiful things about traveling overseas is not being American for a while. Oh, sure, everyone can soon figure it out from the accent, the clothes, the lack of foreign language skills, and the brashness mixed oddly with social conservatism and a general lack of whimsy. But still, a boy can dream of not living in an in-your-face, capitalist-a-go-go empire that, frankly, has seen better days and more interesting shopping and music, n'est-ce pas? I like to, at least. It is perhaps my biggest regret in life, not traveling more and not taking the leap when I was younger to live outside the country. But it's not over yet. Or so I keep telling myself.

The bad: When I finally came home, I found myself in the middle of one of those very American tempests-in-a-tea-party--a national meltdown over the Obama health insurance reform plan. How this mild-mannered, seemingly reasonable-if-imperfect approach to health insurance and healthcare reform could engender such a virulent response is still beyond me. But that it did. For weeks, months on end.

In short, many members of the Leftist-or-Bust Community didn't think it went nearly far enough (no national, single-payer system a la Canada and Britain) and were completely dissatisfied.

The Right Lunatic Fringe (sorry, folks, I see no reason to pull my punches at this late date and even treat that lot as though there were a reasonable point underneath their histrionics) kept screaming that it was "socialism" (to require everyone to have a health insurance plan? really? and mandatory car insurance is what exactly?); that is was fascism (anything that has a "requirement" to spend money on others, I guess, is fascism; "requiring" people not to have access to birth control, abortion, marriage rights, healthcare, etc., is clearly democracy in(space optional)action); that it was an extreme over-reaching of presidential and congressional power (depending on whether you were trying to knock out the POTUS or the Democrat-majority Congress as well); that if the Founding Fathers and John Galt were alive today . . . yadda and yadda and even more yadda.

Let me just sum up my deep thoughts on that last point as succinctly as possible: Who gives a flying fanny about what a bunch of old, upper class white dudes might think about what we're doing today? Times change. Life morphs. While we should recall, understand, and even occasionally pay homage to our history, I think it makes more sense to adapt and to not stay preserved in the amber of the past, whether the past in question is 18th-century Enlightenment or Common Era biblical teachings. If the FF Posse were alive today, I'm sure they would have enough trouble first adjusting to a few other realities: Easy, heavy-duty firepower, New York during rush hour, crystal meth, rap music, and Girls Gone Wild--let alone strict interpretations of the Constitution in order to demonize social betterment.

And who cares who John Galt is? He's a freakin' fictional character crafted (poorly, it should be noted) by a woman embittered by her experiences in Communist Russia and yet who still ended up taking government money when she became infirmed later in life. "Do as I say, not as I do," with really ponderous imagery. Ayn Rand=Newt Gingrich in drag.

Oh, bitch, pleez. Do not use the trials and tribulations of the 1 percent as some sort of voodoo doll, a terrorism-lite way to silence the masses from wanting a little more responsibility and hubris from society's movers/shakers/marauders/bandits.

So, imagine, a dreamlike, wonderful time abroad, a momentary escape from the American day-to-day. Then ding-dong, open the door to your Mystery Date--and he's a dud in the form of some fat cat (or otherwise) alleged "independent" with tea bags dangling from a tri-cornered hat. No thanks, I'll stay single.

We are not amused. And, really, two years later on, it is very, very, very difficult to be amused by any of this--a Wacky Races approach to choosing an opposition candidate and a current administration that seems way too reliant on the Hanna/Barbera-influenced GOP to make the case for no change at the top.

Oh, and let's not forget a very bad economy, one that has seen more mishaps than Wile E. Coyote putting all his money on Acme products performing well on the stock market.

Frankly, I'm disappointed all-around, at both and all sides. Disappointed that we have such poor leadership of all political persuasions (really, thinking back to the "debate" over health insurance reform, I've seen chickens form a more perfect union than the Democrats). Disappointed at the continuing use of fear to manipulate the electorate. Disappointed at the prevalence of massive amounts of cash to subvert the democratic process (or is that now the democratic process? I can honestly not tell).  Disappointed that the same ol' same ol' keeps happening. Disappointed that nothing much seems to happen to make things better. And disappointed that we--you and me both--keep putting up with it. By rights, the Occupy movement ought to have a lot more people in the street, including yours truly.

There's nothing much funny about any of this.

And, yet, laugh we must. At least I must. Because, in part, I'm tired of grinding my teeth, yelling at the TV, and treating despair as a vegetable. The GOP debates alone are a comic delight--at least the Twitter feeds I read about them are. Lordy, I can't bring myself to watch them. Five, seven, ten, twelve, of the most boringly stentorian white people on the planet, North American wing, that seem dogged in their intention to outdo the other in ridiculousness and outrageousness.

SimCity-based tax plans. Ending the college loan program because you believe it is the cause of bloated tuition increases and education debt. Letting those in need die because it goes against your cerebral approach to self-reliance. Closing down government departments even if you can't remember which ones. Citing Christ as putting you on the path to righteousness while you served your cancer-stricken wife with divorce papers. Being a little too weirded out by homosexuality. Existing as the technically semi-human entity known as Michele Bachmann.

Talk about a mangy bunch of chickens.

And yet laugh we musn't because laughing, while a salve, seems also to have a soporific effect. If we laugh too much, are we lulled into a sense of complacency, a feeling that none of this really matters, that in no way can we make a difference and change who owns this country and how it operates?

Meanwhile, people in Syria continue to die in the streets fighting for something better with no known end or outcome in sight . . .

What I've tried to do in blogging is treat it as a place for laughs, yes, but also treat it as a record of my thoughts, observations, and feelings. Amusement is certainly one aspect of my intellectual record, even if that intellectual record includes a few too many cuts on soap operas and pop. Laughing at histrionic politicos, hopped-up pundits, and the conventions of societal belief is certainly cathartic but also hopefully illuminating.

Maybe it's time to put aside my discomfort over getting menacing emails from Western state-based patriots and snarky tweets from Newt Gingrich's boot-lickers (both of which have happened in the past). I promise I'll try not to lose my sense of humor this time. But I will also aim a little higher and smarter at some of our sacred political cows.

A fair warning, though: My aim and my eyesight are not all that good. So sometimes I'll shoot from the lip and hit 'em right between the eyes. At other times, I may use a more shoot from the hip approach and find my target just above or below the belt, give or take.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Totsiens, Egoli



I finally finished all 18 episodes of Egoli: Place of Gold, the South African soap opera that's been keeping me company since late summer/early fall. I may offer a more detailed wrap-up soon, but this little clip might keep you entertained in the meantime. It might also explain why I enjoyed the show, at least the early episodes, as much as I did.

In this one, Cecile Sinclair (played with gusto by South African actress Sandra Prinsloo) arrives after the reading of the will of her late husband Tom, a man she was in the process of divorcing (and taking to the cleaners) at the time of his death. I'm sketchy on the cause of death and the role of Joanne du Plessis (the redhead, later a blondehead, both played by Chantelle Stander) in the events, but, essentially, Tom leaves his fortune to everyone but Cecile, including his two half-siblings of mixed ethnic heritage (remember, this is early 1990s South Africa, just barely post-Apartheid), the Willemses.

Miserable, Cecile starts to drink, and despite the best efforts of her sisters Nora and Louwna to calm her down, she goes on the attack.

I love the way she belts out, "Like hell!" and "Whore!" with such conviction, in that husky, growling voice. I also like the way she says "twee baster kinders" (or something like that, which translates into "two bastard children"), in part because it sounds even ruder in another language.

OK, so it devolves into a catfight between a "common tart" and "a whore," which represent perhaps two over-invited guests in soap operas. But still, it's fun--verbal and physical, with some--if you'll pardon the expression--balls-to-the-walls action by Mrs. Peacock and Miss Scarlett. In the ballroom with a lead pipe and a champagne flute. And nary a Colonel Mustard or Professor Plum to be found.

Ah, they don't make 'em like that anymore. And if they do, they cancel 'em.

So enjoy. And baie dankie, Egoli. I enjoyed your stay.

Now if I can only get through the movie District 9 and the book The Story of an African Farm, and then maybe write a review of the book Triomf by Marlene Van Niekerk ("saltpeter in literary form" is all I got at the moment), and then make my way through a few more chapters of Teach Yourself Afrikaans, perhaps I can put behind me this phase of South Africana and move on to some other obsession. Or just move to Cape Town.

Whatever "here's hoping" translates to in Afrikaans, that's where I'm at.

* * *

Postscript, 14 December 2013

More than two years after I wrote it, I see this post keeps getting looked at. (Yay, me.) Apparently the search phrase "redhead actress Egoli series" leads people to my little corner shop on the internet. So mystery revealed: The actress is question is Chantell Stander (I've also seen her listed as Chantell(e) Stander Rankin). I don't know if she's active anymore, but she had a long, wonderfully villainous run on Egoli, mainly as the vixeny blonde Kimberly Logan Vorster Shults Du Rand Edwards Flintstone . . .), one of my favorite characters from my limited viewing of the series on DVD.

I've added this information above.

Chantell, if you're out there egosurfing on the web, I hope you're doing well! Thanks for the performances.

Later that day, 5:22 pm

She lives! If you live in South Africa, you can watch Chantell Stander weekdays on the soapie, Villa Rosa.

Being stuck in America, I miss everything.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Whoa, nelly

Ripped from the headlines,
Report: Sandusky admits 'horsed around,' but insists he's 'innocent'
Sure, I buy it, Jerry Sandusky! And like any other over-excited stallion, you just couldn't control yourself and "accidentally" and "innocently" anally penetrated a 10-year-old boy. All part of your definition of "horseplay," I'm sure. Who wouldn't buy that?

Jerry, why don't you just shut the fuck up now? You're not doing yourself or your 10-year-old victim(s) any favors by showing your lying, douchebuggery self for the entire world to see.

Monday, November 14, 2011

On the level



More from Namibian girl group, Gal Level. This one is called "Lala."

Another sure sign you're gay? You don't wanna "tap" that booty. (I never understand that phrase. Is her booty like a keg? Then perhaps you shouldn't tap it, at least not without a mop handy.)

Instead, any self-respecting gay man wishes he could shake his booty like that.

To attract the attention of Stefan Ludik, naturally.

Parenthood isn't for sissies

Which is yet another thing I have learned from the neighbors: This sissy most definitely does not want to have children. I'm not even keen on having a pet at this point.

It's never really even crossed my mind actually, except only fleetingly after my father passed away, when I realized that my siblings and I--straight, gay, married, single--had forgotten to have children.

Our parents didn't remind us either, perhaps because they figured that they'd raised four absolutely sane, intelligent, gorgeous, and perfect in every way children, why tempt fate? Besides, it would just be unfair to expect the next generation to be as exemplary as mine. Too, too cruel.

But living downstairs from the terrible twosome (yes, it's been confirmed, there are two of the little abominations screaming, crying, and running above me as we speak) has sealed the deal, shut off the supply line, evaporated the milk, curdled the cream, forced the hens to quit laying, and made the bulls suddenly disinterested in stampeding. So to speak.

Now, in addition to scouting out new digs (and the sooner the better I might add), I spend my free time pondering what technology and distribution mechanisms would be involved in developing the world's first "morning before" pill, a birth control medication so retroactive that even parents of hate-filled, lazy teenagers and ungrateful, malcontented, too-much-analysis-for-their-own-good young adults would be willing to pay millions to score.

I wouldn't necessarily stop them, of course, but my target is the five-and-under market. And at the moment, specifically two members of the five-and-under set.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Can I get some?



For your viewing and listening pleasure, "Black Girl, White Boy" by Ludik and Gal Level.

Stefan Ludik is a Namibian-born-and-raised actor, singer, and media personality, well known in southern Africa (the obsession continues . . .) as a contestant on the regional edition of Big Brother, for various TV acting gigs, and at least three music albums, two in Afrikaans, one in English.

This little ditty comes from his latest release, Burn This Town, which is apparently not available north of the Equator--even though one of his Afrikaans-language albums is. But, oh, I'll keep trying . . .

I like the song--very catchy, very sensual, very melodic--but along with the song and the production, I like the provocative message. Here is a song and a video featuring an ode to interracial sex and love, produced in a country that barely 20 years ago rejected a severely encoded and enforced policy of racial segregation. Amazing in one sense how short a time it's been. Amazing in another sense of what took them so long? It's not like sex and love between people of different ethnicities hasn't been known in southern Africa since Jan van Riebeeck's arrival at Cape Town in 1652 . . .

Nevertheless, do feel free to take a moment to look around your own world and see how well you and your fellow citizens have dealt with integration in your workplace and neighborhood, let alone your living room and your bedroom.

I don't know too much about either Stefan Ludik or Namibian "girl group" Gal Level. However, you might find of interest Mr. Ludik's personal website, available here.

While I think Mr. Ludik's music is definitely proof that Namibia's got talent, our dear Stefan has also made an impression in the past with his appealing visuals. And while I generally frown upon making a fuss over men who display their abs in public (especially their undoubtedly waxed abs), I am willing to reconsider this prejudice for the sake of supporting Stefan's art.

That's just the kind of guy I am, Ludik. Ring me up sometime, and we'll chat up the matter further. In Afrikaans or English . . . or another tongue of your choosing.

Sunday, November 06, 2011

Montag needs a moment

All is well, dear readers! I'm just on vacation, a desperately needed, nice 'n' quiet, limited internet access vacation.

I'll be back in the land of the snarky before you can wish Kim Kardashian well on her next marriage/reality show adventure. Or Justin Bieber, Happy Father's Day.

Count on it. But you won't need to count as high as 72.