The real Bowling Green massacre

"Rand Paul speaking at the 2013 Conservative Political Action
Conference (CPAC)" by Gage Skidmore.
Created 14 March 2013. CC BY-SA 3.0.

CNN's Chris Cillizza opined this week that

"The story of Rand Paul allegedly being attacked by a neighbor -- and breaking six ribs in the process -- is strange on its face. 

"The initial explanation offered by some neighbors of both men and the attacker's lawyer -- that the episode occurred due to a dispute over leaves or grass trimmings -- was even stranger. 

 

"Rene Boucher pleaded not guilty Thursday morning in a Bowling Green  [Kentucky] courtroom to misdemeanor fourth degree assault charges stemming from the Nov. 3 incident in the gated community where the two men live."

 

Strange? Strange that someone would attempt to beat the crap out of America's no. 1 Jheri Curl right-wing politician over something as innocuous as lawn clippings? Ha. Have you met Rand Paul?

 

In a matter of seconds, I came come up with a number of reasons why Mr. Boucher might want to (literally) crush on Paul:

• He calls himself Rand. Actually, his name is Randal (one 'l' because I guess he secretly harbors being a character in a Game of Thrones novel?), and apparently he was not named after Ayn Rand, even though he studied her writings.
• He studied Ayn Rand's writings and calls himself Rand, nonetheless.
• He's a self-described libertarian. Give my regards to the NRA, Randy.
• That often smug look on his face.
• That I'm-barely-tolerating-your-stupidity-infidel! tone to his voice during interviews.
• The fact that he was born in Pittsburgh, grew up in Texas, and still turned out to be a dick.
• That poncy hairstyle. Maybe it's real, maybe it's not a perm, but the tips and curls often seem gelled. The whole 'do seems like a desperate cry of regret from the Hair Club for Men.
• The fact that he touts his credentials as a LASIK surgeon to qualify himself as an expert on health care in the U.S. LASIK: Plastic surgery for your eyes.
• The fact that he lives in a gated community. (Just to be clear, a chain-link fence with a gate is not the same as a gated community....)

 And then there's this--

Skaggs said he "very much likes" both men, though he noted that Paul "is a very different character than most people." "He's a deep believer in his own thoughts," Skaggs said. "And he believes his own thoughts are right -- and they are right 100% of the time."

So while the specific triggering event might remain a bit of a mystery (my money's on a heady mix of yard waste and coveting/insulting thy neighbor's wife), there is no actual mystery in why someone would get crackin' on Pauly Bore. Heck, with that sense of surprise attack and the ability to break some ribs, I think the Tennessee Titans may have found a new teammate.