Whinnying and whining, or, a horse is a horse (of course)

"Maestoso Basowizza & Oberbereiter Hausberger"
by Machoxx - Licensed under CC BY-SA
3.0-2.5-2.0-1.0 via Wikimedia Common

A horse is a horse, of course, of course,
And this one'll talk 'til his voice is hoarse.
You never heard of a talking horse?

Well listen to this. I am Mister Ed.

--Mr. Ed theme song (Source: http://www.lyricsondemand.com/tvthemes/mredlyrics.html)

Sometimes I think I'm a Lippizaner. At other times I realize that I'm just a Belgian Heavy Draft--or, worse, an old nag, a worn-out old workhorse.

Last week I managed to feel mostly like the latter. I don't want to get too specific--and, in general, I don't in this blog, which is kind of a drag for both you, the reader, and me, the writer. But let's explain a bit anyway.

I realized early in the week that I was probably passed over for a promotion--or at least a new focus--because I was denied an opportunity earlier in the year. Big Daddy said yes, but Brick said no. The two people who were allowed to do so were assigned to a new initiative that has a direct relationship to that opportunity and, in part, the work I do.

Also last week, I was passed over for a position for a state organization in my profession of choice because--well, who knows? I don't know exactly why. I haven't schmoozed the right people enough? I'm not employed at a rival institution in the "centre" part of the Commonwealth? I work in the independent fiefdom of West of the Alleghenies? Believe me, Pittsburgh is a land unto itself, in Pennsylvania as well as in human consciousness.

I may have done myself in on this one. I edit a journal sponsored by the organization. Due to other commitments and in an effort to give someone else a chance to edit the journal (really, altruism!), I expressed an interest to pull back over the next year but to still keep my hand in. I enjoy the work, I have a lot of expertise in the area, and my continued participation is beneficial to the organization because of other affiliations I have.

But when the new, untried editor was offered a position as liaison to the organization's board--serving as the main contact between the journal and the board--I became concerned and asked about my status on the board. When I learned that I did not have one--never mind that I have made significant contributions to the journal's contents and success and that my affiliation with the publisher is key to this success--I became angry. After wisely (?) talking it out, and encouraged not to jump to conclusions, I calmed down and followed my co-editor's suggestion: Request that I be made a member-at-large on the board because of my experience and connection with the publisher. Doing so would help them in more ways than one: It would allow me to contribute the organization in other ways, including writing for its blog. And doing so would give me some much-needed credit for my expertise, as well as an official role in the organization.

However, I was told no, I wouldn't be made a member-at-large. I was told that my editorship was valued and that I could continue as long as I wanted to, but that I would not become the liaison to the board. And then I was told that if I wanted to, I could ask to be considered for the liaison position--in two years' time.

Nothing like feeling appreciated for the work you do, the weekends and weeknights spent editing, re-editing, proofing, soliciting articles and peer reviewers, and counseling authors--all for exactly $0.00 per year.

The final bailiwick of hay to go up in flames this week was my not winning an award for "best in show" at my, um, "corral." This award goes to the person in the corral who has contributed the most to "horsemanship" over the last year, i.e., who's made the most significant contribution to my profession. I was nominated, which is lovely and it's always nice to be nominated and we're all winners really . . . but I did not win.

This surprised me, which probably neighs loudly about the state of my unbridled and easily bruised ego these days. I wasn't eligible to be nominated previously--I am a visiting horse, not one with a regular stall in the barn, on contract rather than tenure-track--but I learned later that the eligibility rules had been changed because someone had wanted to nominate me but previously could not.

I lost out to a very good show horse indeed, someone who I think is deserving but someone whose influence is much more specific to our horse farm--and not even within our corral. He does some work in Pittsburgh that is well-regarded, he does a very good job at what he does, and he is well supported by his boss (there's a hint for you), and he is well-liked. Yet I would hardly say he has made significant contributions to the profession, certainly not at the regional or state level or even within the corral itself.

The previous winner was also a worthy horse, but even his influence was strictly local, limited to just our institution. And I nominated him for the award.

So I'm beginning to wonder if I'm knackered if I do, knackered if I don't.

As a colleague told me, "the other horse was tough competition, and you don't have as much of a local profile as he does." Really? But I co-edit a statewide journal, working closely with the authors to improve their works and can copy edit like a mad fiend; was elected president of a regional organization this year; make presentations at the local, state, and even national levels; serve on committees in my organization; am well-regarded by my colleagues (or so I hear); and do my job well, despite being hamstrung by Brick's conflicted interests on a regular basis . . . how am I not considered "tough competition"?

And essentially, the statewide organization is telling me my profile isn't high enough and certainly not likely to get any higher under the current regime, despite editing its journal (and being eligible to "edit it for as long as I want") and being a key presenter at its spring conference.

Admittedly, I've yet to find a real way to break into things at a national level, especially as I'm not high enough in the organization to get my pick of conferences and committees. (Although my work is good enough to be used by Big Daddy at a major national conference last summer and at an international one this year.) And even within our organization, I seem to be more "show" or "place," rather than "win," in the race due to . . . whatever. I'm called upon often, I do the work that needs to be done, I generally do well at it, I am often praised for it by at least my colleagues . . . and yet, I feel like I get very little respect from above and only little opportunities that are not exactly challenging, especially when I've done so much else and so much more over the last 19 years.

A little more whinnying and whining--and if you've made it this far, why not buy a ticket, sit in the orchestra stalls, and hear the whole horse opera?: I was even turned down for a position this year, although on paper I was by far the more qualified candidate (but admittedly lacked the necessary permanent resident status or citizenship to work in the country where the job was located).

So I'm left with this feeling that I'm good but perhaps not good enough. Maybe I'm not as brilliant as I think I am (which, for the record, I don't), or maybe I'm just underselling myself. The director at the place where I failed to get the other job told me I was an "impressive candidate" and encouraged me to apply for several other positions, both there and elsewhere, but at a much higher level.

I am hesitant to do so, mainly because of the nightmare that is personnel management in any organization, something that requires every ounce of diplomacy, skill, and finesse and then only works for about a day before you have to start all over again.

And yet at 19 years of career and 52 years of life, I feel as though I'm punching way below my weight in this current job, having to get permission to do practically everything from a boss who tells you you're doing a great job, then nitpicks over every little thing, then praises you for your initiative, then tells others that you don't take enough initiative.

Again, knackered.

So onward and upward? Time to do some high jumps, chase some steeples, long for some furs? Make myself more taxed in my professional life in order to gain praise, awards, and income? Or just give up the race altogether, put myself out to pasture, and graze in the grass until retirement, a good 13 to 15 years away (if I'm lucky)?

I don't know the answer to all of this, and this has been part of the problem over the last three-and-a-half years. I feel stuck professionally, and I feel stuck geographically.

A horse is a horse off course in my case. Somebody skilled grab the reins, please, to prevent me from continuing to go in circles in the same stupid corral I've been stumbling around for the last three years.

Snort. Whinny. Neigh.