And the winner is . . .

Steve Harvey at a ceremony to receive a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
By Angela George, 13 May 2013. License: CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported.

How I wish Steve Harvey had announced the winner of the 2000 Bush v. Gore election for the President of the United States.

Just imagine! We would be living in a totally different world right now. I'd like to think we'd be war-free since whenever, that 9/11 never happened, that perhaps Taylor Swift and the Kardashians had never been visited upon us.

Taylor would be teaching pre-school somewhere in Pennsylvania. Kim K. would be an aging stripper down on her luck in Las Vegas.

But I'm a realist at heart.

Bad crap always happens whether you want it to or not. The key is to mitigate it as much as possible--and to not actively add to the crap fiasco you're enduring. Yes, I'm talking to you, the George "Dubya" Bush administration from 2000 to 2008.

Nevertheless, it's lovely to have a dream or two stored away, just in case you ever have the opportunity to vigorously rub a genie's bottle, are granted three wishes, and don't screw up said wishes. Then you can ask for the privilege of traveling back in time to help every Florida man and woman, not to mention the U.S. Supreme Court, make the right call and change history as we know it.

Early bearded hipster trendsetter, Rutherford B. Hayes
Public Domain.

But if that's too far-fetched for you, just ask the genie to let Steve Harvey announce the winner. First, he would say, "Ladies and Generals, I present to you the winner of the 2000 President of the United States pageant, Miss Texas, Georgina Bush!" Then in less time than it takes to look up "emigrating to Canada" on your smartphone, Harvey could say, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I meant Miss Tennessee, Albertina Gore!"

* * *

Another plus to giving Steve Harvey that kind of power--Pornstar mustaches would be cool again, not beards that make every guy look like a young, swagger-delic Rutherford B. Hayes.

Steve Harvey for Time-Traveling Emcee in 2016!