Beef Jerky

This has to be my favorite Matt Gaetz photo so far.

With sincerest apologies to The Beverly Hillbillies, to me Gaetz always looks like Jethro Bodine all growed up--but having taken all his life lessons from Milburn Drysdale instead of Jed Clampett.

* Beef Jerky was Jethro's "tough guy" movie star name, his counterpoint to Dash Riprock.
 

Republican Way Off Broadway

 

I think I've maxxed out on the debates

The sounds of silenzzzzzzz . . .

Yeah, sorry, I know I should, but I really don't give a tuppence about Bernie Sanders or the 2016 presidential election in the United States.

Oh, I can still vote in the U.S., a fact I seem to have to keep reminding Americans of. I just have a work permit for Canada after all; I didn't have to give up my citizenship to move here.

Nor would I do so, despite recently having begun the process of applying for permanent residency here. I miss the United States. More than I thought I would. It is still home, and I still worry about it. Is it eating alright? Is it getting along with others? Is it happy? Has it killed anyone lately, by accident or on purpose? Or is it just constantly bickering for no discernible reason--despite unemployment having dropped to under 5% for the first time in god knows when, despite enjoying a number of other common indicators of a successful economic climate? Certainly more successful than the economy we have in Canada at the moment.

And yet, watch the news on CNN or MSNBC (but, please, not Fox News) or read it online (but avoid the comments section if you can) and everyone seems angry and miserable. Or at least those talking politics or attending political rallies seem so. It is a self-selecting group, so who can say for sure?

I wouldn't vote for a Republican if all the candidates promised me a non-stop winter weekend in sun-dappled Mexico with my favorite porn star, guilt-free, room service, and all necessary accoutrements on tap. (That would be mid-1990s super Southern stud Sam Crockett, in case anyone wants to know, but I can make other suggestions if he is unavailable.) I think there's a certain segment in the U.S. that's still living with this fantasy of the Rockefeller Republican of long ago--fiscally conservative but socially benign. I'm not sure that manor house baron ever existed, although Dwight Eisenhower is perhaps a better exemplifier than any one of the Rockefellers.

Instead what we seem to have is some time-warped brigade of evangelical Dixiecrat-wannabes, George Wallaces (the white one) without a cause (except the misanthropic, middle-class Caucasian): Race bait, shoot from the lip, and by all means be as mean-spirited as possible when it comes to judging others' behaviors without paying too much attention to your own.

Or you get Donald Trump, whose all of that but without the God. 'Cuz, like, he and God are best friends, and God is amaaaaazing but God's knows he's not nearly as great as Donald Trump . . . .

(Not an actual quote . . . yet.)

Turning to the not-Republicans, aka the Democrats, we have . . . heavy sigh. Hilary Clinton and Bernie Sanders.

I know I'm supposed to like Hilary. In fact, I clearly remember my frenemy Spencer for Let chastising me way back in 2007 for being an on-the-fence Barack Obama supporter. Over dinner, he proceeded to brow-beat me and bad-mouth anyone for their positive spins on Obama's candidacy. Clearly, I did not understand--but desperately needed to!--that Hilary was the far superior candidate.

I don't know if that tipped me over the fence into the Obama ballpark, but it happened soon thereafter. It wouldn't surprise me if that was the defining moment--or at the moment that made me consider more closely my choice--as ol' Spence has done a great job over the years of brow-beating my opinions over various and sundry. (I distinctively remember making a passing remark about enjoying the American/Canadian version of Queer as Folk, an opinion I came to later in the series run, which then provoked an extended lesson on why I was morally wrong to like the show. That ol' Spence. He has a way with humanity.)

At this point, in 2016, I'll concede that Hilary's the most experienced candidate and would have less of a learning curve than any of the other players on the field. Way back in 2007, I think she might have had a few more years of a U.S. Senate career under her belt than Obama, but counting her time as First Lady as being equal to bonafide POTUS experience makes only slightly more sense as Sarah Palin claiming she had foreign policy experience because Alaska is located next door to Russia.

But I could deal with a Hilary presidency. She's not my favorite, but I hardly think she's the horrifying shrewish mother/anti-mother figure that Conservatives imagine in their nightmares. Or dreams. Hey, Conservatives are a freaky bunch.

But I don't think I can deal with another Bill Clinton presidency--and you just know he won't be able to stop himself from inserting into every nookie and granny cranny of Hilary's administration. Everyone seems to remember Bill fondly, at home and abroad, except me. He was a liar and a womanizer back then, I suspect he's the same now (just more discreet), and he'll continue to be so in the afterlife. The thought of him being anywhere near a whore house, let alone the White House, should be cause for alarm.

* * *

And yet I am no fan of Bernie Sanders either, and I'm not sure I really, fully understand why. I mean, policy-wise, we are not in disagreement. I'm all for more affordable education and universal healthcare. (I would ask, "who wouldn't be?" but I'm afraid this would show how far I've fallen from American grace.) I do think Bernie over-imagines his potential effectiveness as POTUS. For pity's sake, people went berserk over Obama's moderate changes. What would they do with an actual, self-professed socialist in the Oval Office?

Then again, Bernie's not black, which has always seemed to me to be the reason that those who have a problem with Obama have a problem with Obama. Maybe the unconventional senator from Vermont can pull it off, but I feel doubtful over both his policies and his background. In 241 years of American history, we've had one moderate Catholic president and one moderate African-American president, and people nearly crapped a cinder block over both. I can only imagine the eruption over a secular Jewish socialist hippie from Vermont talking "revolutionary" politics.

In large part, I think my problem with Sanders is twofold--

The first fold--see above. I really can't see anyone, establishment or hoi polloi, to the right of Eleanor Roosevelt easily digesting a Sanders presidency. Should it even come to pass--and I think that's about as likely as it was for McGovern to have won in 1972.

The second fold (which is manifold--so much so that we're practically on the verge of origami)--I'm exhausted from hearing a certain subset of friends praise Sanders every time he makes up as much as a grocery list. I have a couple of Facebook friends who are relentlessly, slavishly Sanderistas, a-quiver at every statement, pronouncement, or offhand remark made by el Comandante. There is no escaping their zealotry for a guy, who, frankly, I consider passionate and opinionated, but not much else.

I think you have to have more than passion and opinions to be a leader. Otherwise, you're Ron Paul. Or worse, you're Donald Trump.

Some might argue that Obama spawned the same kind of zealotry. I would not, however. Oh, there are people who would blindly follow him to the ends of the earth and the ends of time, no doubt. The difference is that Obama, in my view, is less about the cult and more about being the actual president to everyone, not just those who agree with him.

His handlers and celebrity fans, sure, they're all about the cult. But at the end of the day, I have always thought of Obama as just a decent, incredibly intelligent, and poised man who has tried hard to do the right thing. Not just African Americans. Not just gays. Not just business. Not just liberals. Everyone.

As the saying goes, you can't please everyone. Or sometimes even anyone. And during the Obama age, this has shown itself to be true.

Do I think he's perfect? Have I liked everything he's done? Have I been bothered by things that I didn't think he did well enough. No, no, and yep.

A case in point: I feel that his administration could have done more to address the growing inequality in the U.S. Nonetheless, he's done a lot to be sure, and if he accomplished nothing more for the rest of his life than getting the Affordable Care Act done, then he's a genius and a statesman and deserves our praise and generosity for the ages to come.

I also feel like criticizing him about not doing more to address inequality is a bit unfair. For one, the U.S. Congress, one of our many national shames, actively and unabashedly fought him and undermined him over everything he proposed, large and small. For another, it's not like "let's fix inequality" has been the zeitgeist; rather, most of us were focused on getting back on our own two feet following the Great Recession. We didn't have much time, energy, or interest to think about anyone else's plight. let alone legislating to improve it.

* * *

I've been thinking about Ronald Reagan lately, not something I care to do, honestly. I despised him and I loathe his legacy, but he certainly left us with a mark--a very dark, costly, punishing, simplistic, and selfish one--that continues to color our judgment and cover up our reality. Call it what you will--conservatism, neo-conservatism, the love of "freedom" (especially the free market and laissez-faire economic policy), "making America great again," etc. ad nauseum--it all sounds like bullshit to me. It has left us with a legacy of inequality, one that we can't seem to surmount. And it has left us with a clown's parade of politicos who have had to live up to or live down Reagan's "simple solutions" of low taxes for the rich, no money for social services, trickle down economics, and free reign to markets and evangelicals. Even Bill Clinton continued to follow much of this trajectory, at least when he wasn't schtupping secretaries and lounge singers.

Will Obama leave us with a legacy that is different and fairer than before? I hope so. I don't know if he's been able to make his mark as strongly as Reagan did, but then Reagan had more support, politically and popularly. Advocating selfishness tends to succeed more than advocating respect for humanity.

Obama, on the other hand, has had to deal with the Know-Nothing age of Republican politics and the standard set of weak-willed Democrats. He has succeeded in many ways, despite this, but unfortunately, I don't feel as though he's been able to graft this progressiveness and humanity on the American body politic. Time will tell, and I pray that time will tell me that I'm wrong.

Who would be a likely, worthy successor to Obama? I haven't a clue. Both Hilary and Bernie have their pluses and minuses, and maybe either/or will do a stellar job, should we be so lucky to find ourselves with this option come the fall. Hilary has more baggage than I would prefer. In addition, she seems to have the resolve of a willow tree in a hurricane. By that I mean she is tough and resilient but will bend whichever way the wind blows. For me, she lacks authenticity.

Bernie's got authenticity, but is it an authenticity that we want? His baggage seems to have gotten stuck on a luggage carousel at an airport outside of Woodstock, circa 1969.

A case in point: He recently chose a Simon and Garfunkel song for a campaign ad, which, naturally, the left has gone all verklempt over. All I can say is I hope someone tells him Jerry Garcia's dead before he invites him to serve as Vice President.

Please, for the love of Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix, let's not have another American presidential election where we battle out the unresolved issues of the 1960s once again. Heck, I'm in my 50s, and even I'm not that nostalgic.

And the winner is . . .

Steve Harvey at a ceremony to receive a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
By Angela George, 13 May 2013. License: CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported.

How I wish Steve Harvey had announced the winner of the 2000 Bush v. Gore election for the President of the United States.

Just imagine! We would be living in a totally different world right now. I'd like to think we'd be war-free since whenever, that 9/11 never happened, that perhaps Taylor Swift and the Kardashians had never been visited upon us.

Taylor would be teaching pre-school somewhere in Pennsylvania. Kim K. would be an aging stripper down on her luck in Las Vegas.

But I'm a realist at heart.

Bad crap always happens whether you want it to or not. The key is to mitigate it as much as possible--and to not actively add to the crap fiasco you're enduring. Yes, I'm talking to you, the George "Dubya" Bush administration from 2000 to 2008.

Nevertheless, it's lovely to have a dream or two stored away, just in case you ever have the opportunity to vigorously rub a genie's bottle, are granted three wishes, and don't screw up said wishes. Then you can ask for the privilege of traveling back in time to help every Florida man and woman, not to mention the U.S. Supreme Court, make the right call and change history as we know it.

Early bearded hipster trendsetter, Rutherford B. Hayes
Public Domain.

But if that's too far-fetched for you, just ask the genie to let Steve Harvey announce the winner. First, he would say, "Ladies and Generals, I present to you the winner of the 2000 President of the United States pageant, Miss Texas, Georgina Bush!" Then in less time than it takes to look up "emigrating to Canada" on your smartphone, Harvey could say, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I meant Miss Tennessee, Albertina Gore!"

* * *

Another plus to giving Steve Harvey that kind of power--Pornstar mustaches would be cool again, not beards that make every guy look like a young, swagger-delic Rutherford B. Hayes.

Steve Harvey for Time-Traveling Emcee in 2016!

I'm sure he meant to say this

So I fixed it for him.

Thanks to today's New York Times for recording all the news that's fit to print--but even the NYT has to make the occasional correction.

Orange is the new hack

Borrowed from TotallyLooksLike.com

"John Boehner totally looks like an orange M&M."

Credit where credit is due--This image and the idea behind it is from the website TotallyLooksLike.com. I'm not sure when it was first created or by whom, but it seems relevant to this past week in American politics.

When I posted this to Facebook recently, my sister the Journo quickly noted that two may look alike but that they are not the same. The difference between the two? "The orange M&M has more integrity."

I would also like to add that the orange M&M has more self-awareness. At least the orange M&M is honest about being a buffoonish cartoon character.

Now orange you glad you didn't vote in the 2014 midterm elections ?

Choosy mothers choose riffs

I'm not gonna spread for no roses!

U.S. politics and elections: It's just like being on The Bachelorette! You get to choose from an all-male, mostly all-white cast, hoping against hope that you end up with the least sleazy one in the bunch.

Or at the one who is less likely to be brought up on criminal charges during your brief time together.

Better luck in 2016, y'all.

* * *

* * *

I had another odd dream last night. I dreamt I was overseas trying to call home to the U.S., but the call wouldn't go through. I kept getting the same message over and over again: "The number you have reached has been disconnected or is not in service at this time."

Funny. Just like many of our voters and elected officials.

* * *
 

How you can bring the economy back from the brink and finally get a national healthcare bill passed and yet be pilloried and shunned by your own party is something only the Democrats could manage.

Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory once again.

* * *

Everybody, at least in the American media, keeps talking about the takeaway from yesterday's election as being all about big money and its impact on democracy.

I can't really disagree with that, but for me, there's another, equally worrisome takeaway. And it's this: You lose the presidency, don't control the Senate, but own the House of Representatives until our candy-ass Democrats can bother to challenge Republican gerrymandering of congressional districts after the next census. You do not want to compromise with the party in power. You only want what you want.

Later, you lose the presidency, now control the Senate, and continue to own the House of Representatives. You now say you want to compromise, but really? How stupid do you think we are?

Yes, I know a grand portion of our electorate just proved that we're mighty mighty stupid, able to shoot ourselves in the foot and the head at the same time (gotta love our those no gun controlling ways!). But do give us a little credit: We know you are not about to compromise now.

Perhaps in the future you will win the presidency again, control the Senate, and own the House. And you still won't want to compromise.

I really don't know how you do it. It reminds me of that old slogan about the South losing the Civil War but winning the peace, being humiliated on the field of battle yet someone controlling domestic politics and race relations through, first, segregation, then later, institutionalized racism and uber-conservative, anti-social safety net policymaking.

Really, it's childish and transparent, easy to see happening yet horrible to watch. And yet you manage to do it again and again, and no one ever does a damn thing about it.

* * *

It's 9:53 p.m. Eastern the day after the election, and I've already yelled my first "STFU Mitch McConnell!" at my TV.

Courage, comrades. It is going to be a long two years until the next election.
 

The royal family

And they'll never be royals - "ClintonSenate"
by Unknown. Licensed under Public domain via
Wikimedia Commons.

Over the weekend, Chelsea Clinton, daughter of Bill and Hilary Rodham Clinton, gave birth to her first child. Despite the fact that this is something women do every day in every country on the planet, in far less plush surroundings with far less access to healthcare, it has taken the American news media by semi-storm.

Well, why not? There's nothing else much going on the world these days. *Cough* Ebola *cough* the Middle East *cough* oligarchy.

As part of the media cavalcade, CBS News referred to the Clintons as "American political royalty." Which is all true, of course.

It's just that they're more akin to the Grimaldis of Monaco rather than the Windsors of the United Kingdom. Although similarities to the Windsors in the '80s and '90s--Fergie having her toes sucked, Diana's affairs, Prince Charles covered in a blanket hiding in the back of a station wagon--wouldn't be amiss either.

Oh, but why cast aspersions on such a happy occasion. I'm sure no one will use this life event to their advantage . . . .

So congratulations, Grandpa Bill and Grandma Hilary! Can't wait for the photo ops on the non-campaign trail, Hil. And Bill, I'm sure you ordered your "World's Sexiest Grandpa" t-shirt during Chelsea's first trimester, so you're doing fine.

Business as usual for the both of you.

My bad

. . . joke of the day, that is.

It's a fact: "Sharon" isn't the last name of the lead character in the cartoon version of The Little Mermaid.

You're welcome.

Jihad me at "infarction"

From CBC News, 20 October 2013

Ah, Dick Cheney. Your overblown sense of self-worth coupled with your corrosive paranoia know no bounds.

Random idea: If you weren't such a horrible human being who caused so much harm to the world (whether through your tenure in the U.S. government or at Halliburton), perhaps there would be less for you to worry over.

But then, you wouldn't be the big Dick that you are, now would you?

This arrived late

Much too late to make a difference. And never in time for me to give a rat's.

Love Pentagon

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
General's Hospital
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog Video Archive

Oh, hell. This one speaks for itself.

Can this marriage be saved?

An American Civil War amputee, who still lived despite his injuries.
A public domain photo from WikiCommons and the Mutter Museum.

If at first you don't secede, try, try again.

Please.

* * *

Sometimes marriages sound like a good idea at the time. Couples start out with the best of intentions--either full-on love or I-have-some-doubts-but-you-seem-into-it/our-families-expect-it/you-are-pregnant/this-is-what-grown-ups-do-isn't-it?

Nothing lasts forever. Not the full blush of love or the peaceful coexistence of two very different people. So perhaps inevitably, irritations develop. They start out small. You talk funny! You've got more people and hog all the bed!

And grow. I don't like the way you own people and make them work your land! I don't like your telling me how to run my economy and treat my Negroes! And before you know it, it's make-up to break-up to make-up to break-up, to a hostile separation, a bitter divorce and a vicious child custody battle. Over Kansas ferchrissakes.

But wouldn't you know it? Old habits die hard. Despite the hostilities and out-and-out war, sometimes stars fall on Alabama and doesn't that make her look lovely in the moonlight? New Jersey starts calling himself the Garden State, and my my, you never realized how really lovely the Pine Barrens can be in the spring. Just like home!

You consider your dating options. Canada. Mexico. Really? Has it come to this? Before you know it, each of you is looking more attractive to the other. And think of the children! Colorado! Utah! The Dakotas! And wouldn't it be nice to give them some brothers and sisters to play with? And to keep Miss Frosty-Pants Canada and Mister Hot-to-Trot Mexico at bey a little longer . . . ?

So even though your true friends tell you no, what, are you insane?--and all the others just laugh behind your back--you remarry.

But things are never the same, even after he accepts your friends--a Virginia planter who went to college at Princeton, a peanut farmer from Georgia, a wonkish lothario from Arkansas--as his own. You try to like his friends, too. That nice old fellow from California, well, he reminded you of your dementia-afflicted grandfather, bless his heart. And that other one from California with the jowly face, he really, really seemed to appreciate you. Too bad your husband dumped in during that late unpleasantness over politics. And Lord knows that one from New York with the nosy wife hung around long enough, showing her butt in places that she just had no right to do, but he at least gave you some nice presents like roads and rural electrification. 

But Massachusetts, Massachusetts, Massachusetts. What is it about Massachusetts? Is there something he's trying to tell you? Oh, he says he likes country music, sweet tea, and NASCAR, but he keeps going on about medical care, minorities, and summers in Maine and Michigan. Over time, you discover that he likes apple-picking in the fall, surfing, and higher education. And what was that? Is he checking out that tramp Canada again?  While Mexico's got his hands all over you! That bastard.

And then he forms a fast friendship with some man who claims he's from Hawaii. Hawaii. Is that even a real state? You're so not sure. Oh, he's well-spoken and -groomed, you'll grant him that, but he does go on, talking at you more than with you. Plus, well, he's black, you whisper to your grandchildren. Yes, you know, that's not something that you're supposed to say, but . . . well . . . you're just stating the obvious.

And my, now that you husband is good "friends" with that rather odd black fellow, doesn't he go on and on about racism and, pass the smelling salts, gay people. Hmmm. A more suspicious mind . . .

But hold on, before we get to that, it's back to his favorite topic: health care. Please God, shut up about it already! For one thing, nobody's gonna tell you what to do with your body--unless it's a legislator with curious ideas about rape and a do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do attitude toward abortion. For another, good people don't get sick. And if they do, they have enough of their own money to take care of it. They don't come calling on their friends to help them out in a time of need. That's what prayer and capitalism for. Everybody knows that. Or at least they should.

And oh no you and special friend didn't just go and give all those poor people what we had to fight long and hard for/be born into/marry into/imagine ourselves lucking into despite all evidence to the contrary! How dare he!

You don't even know him. And he doesn't look as handsome as he used to. Have you ever been to Pennsylvania? A lovely name, some old stuff, some nice trees, but, hmmm, they don't call it Pennsyltucky for nothing.

The children are all grown up, except for little, adopted Puerto Rico, and well, that was his idea, not yours.

So it's back to divorce court. No, this time you mean it! Look, you're heading out the door! Don't try and stop you!

* * *

Seriously, secession? You're welcome to it, but it's not like it's ever been a peaceful, fun-loving, hey-kids-let's-put-on-a-show process.

Life as we know it, however middling, is disrupted. Battles rage. People die. Your "side" and mine, too.

Mind you, I'm not opposed to your moving on and moving out. People need to go their own way, follow their own piss bliss.

Have at it. We'll be fine with alternating weekend visitation rights to Florida and New Orleans.

Buh-bye. Don't let the door hit you on your Mississippi on the way out.

Reasonable behavior

Barack and Michelle Obama with Joe Biden and his wife Jill
Credit: I, Daniel Schwen, CC-BY-SA 3.0

Sorry I was late for work this morning. It was because  . . .

• I was busy doing a victory lap through 25 26 states and the District of Columbia.

• I was marrying my same-sex life partner in Maine, Maryland, Minnesota, and possibly Washington State.

• I was opening a pharmacy that specializes in dispensing only medical marijuana and birth control pills.

• I was busy not shutting things down.

• I was getting Rocky Mountain high.

• I was out buying more condoms for my next porn film (valid in California only).

And the one that I didn't have the nerve to post on Twitter . . .

• I was busy giving safe and legal abortions in the privacy of my own bedroom.

Boom!

Solid!