The Abuser-in-Chief

I've dealt with some horrible people in my time, both at work and in my personal life. I've discussed at length my torturous relationship with Cali, and I've expressed concern about my current work environment, which, despite being situated in the Paradise-on-Earth that is Canada, has its share of manipulative, passive-aggressive types.

The locals think they are cleverer than they actually are--they're not exactly opaque in their motivations. But Cali ... Cali, in retrospect, falls into the worse category of Horrible People: The ragers and yellers. People who dismiss our demand for respect and consider kindness as a weakness to be exploited. People who lash out with the intent to hurt and never apologize for the harm caused. People who torment. People who find the soft belly of our insecurities and drive a knife into them and twist.

Sometimes I've stood there and taken it because I didn't have a choice, or didn't have enough confidence to break free, or hoped with enough love and patience the situation would improve. But it never does. An abuser is an abuser is an abuser. He or she may treat you well and then treat someone else horribly--or vice versa--but it all comes down to the same thing: There is no reasoning with them, no excuse or amount of understanding that will heal them, no sufficient number of pleas or tears that will make them treat you better, and nothing, absolutely nothing that will keep you safe--except getting as far a way as possible as fast as you can. 

I don't say this lightly--I'm a great believer in human beings having the capacity to change, improve, and grow. Likewise, I can forgive a lot because people make mistakes, and because I make mistakes, and sometimes the best thing one can do is understand, forgive, and move forward. Rinse but never repeat.

But the type of abuser I've dealt with, like the type I see in the White House at this moment in time, I am confident that they will never change. What is their incentive to do so? They get what they want, and even when they don't, they can always blame it away on someone else. Cali did that--among other things, he was a ruthless yet piss-poor dissembler and an expert at turning around the situation to make him out to be the injured party and you out to be the guilty one. 

Trump is even worse, and he carries out this abuse in large and small ways, simultaneously among his inner circle and with the world as his stage.

This week I watched that sorry excuse for a human being and a president call people doing their jobs--and doing them well--stupid. Although I know nothing should surprise me anymore, this level of meanness and disdain still shocks. God knows it's hard to listen to that pus-filled sac of a president demean women, men, people of different religions, different ethnicities, and different social and economic classes--and to repeatedly get away with it. It's like reliving my own experiences day in and day out.

If you think you will never be directly affected by Persimmon Hitler's hatred, you could count yourself lucky, but I'd suggest you should just wait and watch. Your time will come. It always does. It's who they are. You are useful in the moment, they will exalt you and your abilities for a while, but then they'll toss you aside as soon as they can. Just ask Jeff Sessions and Trump Wives No. 1 and No. 2. Ask Tiffany. Ask Eric, too.

We can dismiss Orange Julius Caesar's behavior as stress, Alzheimer's, mental illness, narcissism, being a "creative genius," being powerful, being dumb, having a crappy childhood, being abused and becoming the abuser, what have you. But ultimately there's no excuse, no explanation valid enough. The president is a venal, mean-spirited jerk. Maybe he's nice to his family (although I doubt it), but so far, he's exhibited no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Any "likeability" is self-serving and insincere.

At the end of the day, he's weak and insecure, all the hate he feels for himself projected outward onto everyone else. Being a horrible human being and the attention he receives from being one are his only validations. And, alas, at my most uncharitable, I think that describes Cali to the core as well.

In the meantime, we can do our best to tune him out but also pay attention to what he and his cohorts are doing. We can resist and find some space away from him. We can celebrate our victories and do our best to have more.

It will take some time, but we will survive him. I hope the mid-terms show in some small way what's possible when we stand together and fight back.

The next time we won't be so foolish. I have to believe that in the future, we won't let this happen to us again anytime soon.