My Black Friday shopping list

I got up early today for Black Friday shopping. I just had a few items on my list, but I wanted to get my shopping out of the way early, so I could enjoy the rest of the holiday weekend and to beat the rush at the emergency room due to all that "freestyle" bargain-hunting.

Here's my list:

• The new CD by Bachmann Turn-him Overdrive featuring the greatest hits of noted Minnesotan songbirds, Michele and Marcus Bachmann. Features one hit, their version of "It's Raining Men" by the Weather Girls, performed in a continuous loop for 60 minutes. Guaranteed to turn him one way or another. Note: The state bird of Minnesota is the Common Loon.
• The Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia Grow-a-Spine Kit for Democrats. You're supposed to be able to rub the seeds starting up your backside to the base of your cerebellum, add water, and within 4 to 8 years a spine will grow in place where one has never grown before. Be careful not to start too low with the seeds 'cause you just end up growing a pole up your ass (i.e., that's the kit for Republicans). I was told that this product has yet to be introduced into the marketplace.
• The Rick Perry Book of Brain Teasers. Such a bargain! A sheet of notebook paper listing two federal government agencies. Figure out the third one and you, too, might be eligible to run for president. 
• The Ron Paul Surprise Package. One unadorned box of crazy. You must provide your own box, built from your own supply of raw materials, with absolutely no government support or interference. If that box ends up being built from a combination of plutonium, rabid alligators, and caustic fluids, well, too bad for you . . .
• The Newt Gingrich Moral Compass. Out of Stock. I was told this has been on back order since at least the 1970s.

No money down now. You'll pay next year.

Happy holidays!