Friday, June 27, 2014

RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounting, Please)


Some random TV offerings from Rogers Cable, suburban Toronto, June 2014. Please cast your eye beyond Juicy Black . . . and instead gaze upon the porn title, Canadian Quickies.

Now I will spend the rest of the weekend thinking up ridiculous titles for "Canadian quickies."

To-rut-oh! with Love (?)

Canada Goosing (?)

Have You Been Ridden by a Ford Lately? (?) (In homage to Hogtown's illustrious mayor)

Frottage Country (?) (Based on the expression "Cottage Country," used by Torontonians to refer to the Owen Sound-Barrie-Muskoka area north of the city near Lake Huron)

Other versions of "Cottage Country," which I'm too much of a gentleman to repeat . . .

And all those variations on a theme of beaver.

It's only going to go downhill from here. You've been forewarned.

* * *

All in all, though, it's not proving as promising as the recent discussion with my friends, Two P's in a Pod, in which we tried to develop 19th-century porn titles based on works of American and British literature.

While we have many nominees--

The Scarlet Leatherman

Uncle Tom of Finland's Cabin

Daisy-Chain Miller

Some Tail in Two Cities

The best one--The Importance of Being Harnessed--wasn't even mine.

I've clearly lost my way. In more ways than one.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Wacked out



Obscure reference alert: Peugeot still makes cars!

No, no, no. Only joking. The obscure reference is to Wacky Races, a Hanna-Barbera cartoon from *my* childhood being used to sell cars in Europe *today.*

Wow.

Don't get wrong; I find this commercial rather fun and charming. It just seems . . . odd.

But no matter. As my friend the Cartoonist (who originally shared this video on Facebook) put it, "At least they're finally marketing to our generation."

True that. Thank goodness.

Nevertheless, the commercial perturbs me because it brings up an age-old conundrum.

And that is this: Do I want to be with Dick Dastardly? Or do I just want to be Penelope Pitstop?

Muttley deserves better, by the way.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

La mordita

Gol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Luis Suárez, McGruff the Crime Dog Wannabe
(Source:
Jimmy Baikovicius, CC BY-SA 2.0)
Sometimes when life gets too hard, all we really want is a shoulder to bite on.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

My name is Victoria Winters

Alexandra Moltke as Victoria Winters, Dark Shadows, circa 1967
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Victoria Winters (Alexandra Moltke Isles) should have been awarded a Daytime Emmy* for Most Fabulous '60s Look.

Followed perhaps by Carolyn Stoddard (Nancy Barrett).

I'm in full-on Dark Shadows mode these days. It happens every now and again throughout my life. First in the 1960s, when I used to watch the show with my sibs after-school. Then in the late '80s/early '90s, when I caught it again on videocassette (the VCR! remember when that and the fax machine seemed like the beginning of the Modern Era? No? Trust me on this . . .) with some Washington friends, one of whom --let's call him My Companion in Kylieness--I'm still good friends with, 25 years later.

And like David's mother Laura, Dark Shadows keeps rising like a phoenix from the ashes of my youth: I've watched episodes on DVD with my Mom and sister on trips to the Plains and New Mexico. And now in the 2010s, I indulge again, first on Netflix, from where it disappeared a couple of months ago, and now on HuluPlus, where it reappeared recently.

It was an incredible show. Some would scoff at that claim--it was a soap! The production was amateurish! The acting inconsistent! Every other piece of dialog was a question, repeating the previous statement but with an uplilt at the end!

Any reprise has been fallen flat--the very good remake in the '90s with Ben Cross and Joanna Going, and the horrid movie version a couple of years ago, unwisely updated by Tim Burton as yet another "daring" star-turn for Johnny Depp.

All true.

So what's the big deal? For me, surely, it stems from good childhood memories--even if it was a neo-Gothic horror serial, it reminds me of great times with my sister and two brothers, having a regular date to watch the show after school (and hiding behind our old blue-green couch when things got too frightening), a childish refuge from the struggles of life, both macro and micro, playing out around us.

But it's more than that: Dark Shadows had an incredible sense of place. Every scene, every moment, took place in this dreary New England seaport along the rocky shores of faraway Maine. The claustrophobic village of Collinsport, the cold and gloomy Collins Mansion and the Old House, where the sun never seemed to shine and more often than not, a terrible gale, the angry sea, and diabolical lightning crashed! boomed! and banged! around the characters, who live out a meager existence, forsaken by the gods, with the supernatural and melancholy as both their bane and their relief.

Funnily, in some superficial ways, Collinsport reminds me of my hometown in North Carolina, also a seaport built in the 1700s. Small, hemmed in, exiled, the comforts found there limited to a warm, kind family (of course), the sound of the bells clanging softly from docked fishing boats, seagull cries, fried seafood, and better weather.

Oh, and no vampires.

In Collinsport you had time travel, tears in the orderly narrative of the universe, transporting characters backwards and forwards, even in parallel eras. In Swansboro, you had time travel, too. All you had to do was walk down Front Street and see the widow's walk above the dentist office, the Porthole, the old house built in 1776 near the post office, and the Octagon Plantation on the edge of town. Fort Macon and Tryon Palace nearby, and New Bern and Beaufort, too, old seaports themselves. The Colonial Era, the Revolution, the War of 1812, the Civil War, and with Camp LeJeune and Cherry Point nearby, even World War II, Korea, and Vietnam, all coexisting. Not always peacefully, but along side each other. Backward, forward, parallel.

Collinsport is a bubble. Swansboro is a bubble. Black-and-white vignettes in an old photo album, reminding me of where I come from, what I'm made of.



This has not been a Dan Curtis production, but it's been a good life in many ways.

* * *

*Yes, of course I know the Daytime Emmys didn't begin until 1974, but a guy can dream.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Helpful hints from Hell-o-wheeze

"A small cup of coffee" by Julius Schorzman; CC BY-SA 2.5
Tips for making good coffee with a Keurig--

1) Use filtered water--it's tap water, sure, but a good filtration system will remove at least some of the additives (and funny taste) found in "city water"

2) Buy your K-cups on the cheap at Costco or Target--you often get 18 or more per package for the same price as 10 or 12 per box at your grocery store

3) Clean and recycle your K-cups--or use a reusable K-cup and make your own using your favorite brand or variety of coffee

4) Even though it's early in the morning and you're very, very sleepy, have enough damn sense to put the damn cup under the damn spout of your damn Keurig before you press the damn "brew" button--and for heaven's sake, don't walk away from the damn machine while it makes your damn coffee


5) Keep a mop and roll of paper towels next to your Keurig--you just may need it

Monday, June 16, 2014

She's loose!

Welcome to my world--Freeassocsylvania.

My friend Oresund, who actually grew up in la Suisse, recently posted this image to her Facebook page--in a fit of World Cup fever for the Swiss national team, I believe.

Not that I really understand what's that all about, but I am to be live-and-let-live on this topic. Despite my Euro pretensions, I'm strictly a North American guy when it comes to sports. Or, rather, I'm a North American gay guy of a certain age, a non-native of Pittsburgh, which means I really don't give a fatted calf about sports, American or otherwise.

Oh, there's the rare eye candy on the football field, at least if you're into the Zeb Atlas-esque overbulked bully boys of the pigskin. Frankly, I find hockey players far more masculine, handsome, and sex-ay (envision a bearded Kris Letang, par example, or a spiffed-up Maxime Talbot), regardless of the tendency to require dental implants by the age of 23.

"Soccer," though, really does seem to have the best-looking men. There's Ronaldo, of course, the Portuguese one, although he's a little too slick for my taste (as The Onion put it recently, a body slathered in hair gel makes it easier for him to get away from others on the field). There's David Beckham, of course, but shhhh, don't speak, just stand there in your underwear, Dave. Tim Howard bearded, please--but, really, hombre, it's time to walk away from the tattoo needle. Past time, actually. And Mario Balotelli--although I could never date (or anything else) a man with such ludicrous hair, at least when it seems styled so in an un-ironic way.

I'm actually more partial to the unassuming masculine charm of Landon Donovan, truth be told.

Anyway . . . is there anything more boring than a gay guy detailing all the men he's attracted to when there's absolutely squat chance he'll have the opportunity to explore such untoward interest? I think not.

No, where this is supposed to go is here: 




An oldie but a goodie from 1981--SCTV Network 90, a quirky and quite hilarious Canadian comedy import that I used to watch during my college and working adult years. I distinctly remember watching reruns shown late on weeknights on one of the Washington, D.C., public TV stations. I stayed up often to 3 am to catch it, then had to be at work by 8:30 or so later that morning. Oi, youth--although I pretty much have done the same thing as a 50-something "professional," either watching "The Best of Will Farrell" Saturday Night Live reruns on VH1 or trying to get members of my Irish-themed Sims 3 family to improve their cooking, logic, or guitar skills.

If ever there would be a "This Is Your Life" segment about me--either on TV or on Judgment Day--this video should feature prominently in my story. It still makes me guffaw 33 years after it aired. Why? Golly only knows. There's just something inherently silly about it, but clever, too, reimagining all those late '70s/early '80s "Break Out the Bull" commercials for Schlitz Malt Liquor as a "vehicle" for Shelley Winters (or John Candy impersonating Shelley Winters). How can you not laugh at that?

"She's loose!"

Ah, now that's worth a personal tour of Freeassocsylvania, I hope.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Life itself is breathing

Who knew?

"Me so horny" and "me so thelioma" are not even close to being the same thing.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Hands clean



"We'll flash forward to a few years later/No one knows about the two of us"

I heard this recently for this first time in ages, and it really took me back . . . to getting to see Alanis Morissette in concert in Chicago with my dear friend Fouchat, a birthday treat from him way back in . . . 2006? 2007? 2008? I honestly cannot remember anymore. My life in Pennsylvania has become something of a blur, especially during the Pittsburgh Era. The year 2007 runs into 2008 into 2009 into on and on and on. Seven years in da Burgh, ten years in Pennsylvania, the longest I've lived anywhere except my home state of North Carolina. Who'd have ever thought it possible?

Oddly Alanis didn't perform this in concert that night, despite it being a top 30 hit for her in the U.S. The concert took place not long after she had broken up with Ryan Reynolds. Pity that--while I generally loathe his movie choices, he is always pleasing to look at.

Or possibly at the time he had just married Scarlet Johansson? Honestly, I can't recall.

At the time I figured the reason was because the song was about Ryan R. and still too sensitive a subject. But lo and behold, the back story to the song is far more interesting in a gossipy, TMZ sort of way. According to Alanis, she had a secret affair with an older man when she was much younger. The video hints at this--Alanis is seen in bad '80s hair, then during her Jagged Little Pill angry-young-woman phase, then supposedly today, older and wiser. And the speculation on the 'net is that the man in question, who bedded, betrayed, and begat her, is none other than Full House's Dave Coulier, a man no one has thought much about since the mid-90s.

Timewise, I don't think this quite works out the way the web would have you believe. Alanis would have been in her late teens, maybe 20 tops, when she was dating Dave; he would have been in his mid-30s. But Alanis has said the affair "Hands Clean" is based upon life that happened when she was too young, 14, which would place events in the '80s when she was on TV, not in music. The dates don't match for "Hands Clean," although they might match for "You Oughta Know," the jagged little pill of a song that brought her to international fame.

Who can say? And who could imagine that Dave Coulier would inspire such passion and anger? But smarminess pisses me off as well, so there you have it perhaps.

Oh, Alanis. I feel your pain. We all make terrible choices in friends and lovers when we're younger. Despite my questioning your inspiration, you at the very least made some very fine art out of the experience. The video alone, which illustrates the commodifcation of emotion--the moment, songwriting, the recording, the selling, image-making, production and distribution, and finally karaoke--is a pearl, a ruby, a diamond of meaning and talent.

So kudos, brava, and any and all accolades coming your way--they're well deserved.