RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounting, Please)

Some random TV offerings from Rogers Cable, suburban Toronto, June 2014. Please cast your eye beyond Juicy Black . . . and instead gaze upon the porn title, Canadian Quickies.

Now I will spend the rest of the weekend thinking up ridiculous titles for "Canadian quickies."

To-rut-oh! with Love (?)

Canada Goosing (?)

Have You Been Ridden by a Ford Lately? (?) (In homage to Hogtown's illustrious mayor)

Frottage Country (?) (Based on the expression "Cottage Country," used by Torontonians to refer to the Owen Sound-Barrie-Muskoka area north of the city near Lake Huron)

Other versions of "Cottage Country," which I'm too much of a gentleman to repeat . . .

And all those variations on a theme of beaver.

It's only going to go downhill from here. You've been forewarned.

* * *

All in all, though, it's not proving as promising as the recent discussion with my friends, Two P's in a Pod, in which we tried to develop 19th-century porn titles based on works of American and British literature.

While we have many nominees--

The Scarlet Leatherman

Uncle Tom of Finland's Cabin

Daisy-Chain Miller

Some Tail in Two Cities

The best one--The Importance of Being Harnessed--wasn't even mine.

I've clearly lost my way. In more ways than one.