What is was was a fool's ball

You can't play rock-and-roll on a diet of Quorn, veggie juice, and Linda Bloody McCartney's Tofu Treats! - Edina Monsoon, Absolutely Fabulous

* * *

A few things you should know about me, if you don't already.

• I hate football and most organized sports.
• I hate the Super Bowl.
• I hate crappy pop music.
• I hate Maroon 5.
• I hate Adam Levine.
• I hate gay men drooling over pictures of gratuitous displays of manflesh.

I don't mind the flesh itself, but I prefer not to act like a 57-year-old 14-year-old every time I see a naked body.

So you likely can surmise that for me a shirtless Adam Levine of Maroon 5 playing the half-time show during the Super Bowl is the equivalent of being stabbed in the head with an ice pick. Repeatedly and with gusto.

I mean, sure, yeah, Adam Levine has a good body ... I guess. But how can I say for sure? There are so many tattoos, so many, and I'm from a generation that thinks excessive tattoos look, well, excessive. And kinda trashy.

One might get away with a lot of tattoos and trashiness if one had some blue collar street cred--serves or served in the armed forces, works as a mechanic, did or is currently doing time in prison, etc. But on a pampered Momma's Boy of a pop star that is as manufactured and focus-grouped as his muscles, they just look trashy but in an inauthentic, calculated way.

I told one of my drooling friends that he looks like a Mexican sugar skull that got lost on his way to a Day of the Dead celebration. Like a lotería card mated with a Ken doll. Like the Guy Pearce character in Memento--or the actress who plays in Blindspot--if the hero were a smug putz who wants you to want his body but acts like he doesn't, that somehow he's above pimpin' himself while he is in fact pimpin' himself. No, señor

And for pity's sake, C A L I F O R N I A? Why? Why did you have a state's name tattooed across your stomach? Are you afraid you'll forget where you live? Is your city tattooed on your ass and your zip code on your wang?

I'm sure in real life Adam Levine is a lovely person, but he gives off (at least to me) a very fake vibe. My drooling friend thought otherwise, so what do I know? I never thought Donald Trump would get elected or Maroon 5 would have lasted past three albums.

In all of this, I can't help express a little sympathy for Adam Levine's wife, Namibian model Behati Prinsloo. Don't you just know she is grateful when they have sex with the lights off? Less reading, fewer visual distractions, and no secret desire to fake an orgasm when you're tired of trying to figure out Where's Waldo.

Lady B, thanks for taking one for the team, but hasn't Africa suffered enough? I think so.