Working 9 to 5

... to make sure none of his friends, family members, old Apprentice guests, cronies, and enablers get 5 to 9 years in prison.

I'm still driving around Montréal

Or perhaps Paris ... at least in my own mind ....

Je reviendrai

Sometimes when I'm driving around the aesthetic dissatisfaction that is the 401/427 corridor in suburban Toronto, I tune the radio to Ici Musique, Radio-Canada's French-language music channel. While driving around listening to Francophonie and world pop sounds, I like to pretend I'm actually in Montréal.

Hearing something like this--"Ascenseur Tropical" by Quebec electro-pop group Le Couleur--almost makes me believe I am there.

Orange Face Killa #2: Maybe It's Maybelline

Orange Face Killa #1: Cover Girl

So let me get this straight ...

So ... people should be judged on their ability to do the job and not on their sexual orientation says the possibly entitled, possibly straight, and possibly quite white lady.

And a straight man is a stronger supporter of LGBT rights than an actual gay man ...

And a straight civilian is a stronger supporter of LGBT rights in the military than an actual gay veteran ....

Got it.

Now repeat after me:

"People should be judged on their ability to do the job and not on their race/gender."

"A man is a stronger supporter of women's rights than an actual woman."

"A white guy is a stronger supporter of African-American rights than an actual black person."

How does that sound to you?

To me, it sounds both insane and hilarious, but also just really, really, really stupid. And more than a little pathetic. And thus we have The Cult of Bernie Sanders. Or at the very least The Russian Troll Farm of Bernie Sanders.

* * *

And while we're at it ... "[Bernie Sanders] was supporting trans people since 1976, too."

That may well be true, but that seems like a fairly random date that makes the statement seem factual--but is it? According to Wikipedia, in 1976 Bernie was bankrupting the Liberty Union party while trying to get himself elected governor of Vermont.

Or does reality even matter anymore?

Thus here are 15 other Bernie facts and accomplishments that you might not know about. (With apologies to Chuck Norris. And Jesus.)

• When Vladimir Lenin was born premature, Bernie selflessly suckled him at his breast until Lenin started the October Revolution. (Which was Bernie's idea.)
• Bernie knows how to create cold fusion but keeps the secret to himself because Burlington's a nuclear-free zone.
• The late Steve Jobs lives in constant fear (even in the afterlife) that Bernie's Mac will crash.
• Bernie was Truman Capote's original choice to play Holly Golightly in the movie version of Breakfast at Tiffany's. Tru thought Bernie had the right touch of madcapness, joie de vivre, and melancholia that captured Holly's essence.
  
• Bernie makes onions cry.
• When Bernie Sanders gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds the Oligarchs have left to live.
• Bernie wrote all the lyrics to Lennon-McCartney songs--except "Revolution," of course.
• Bernie doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is. (Hint: It's always 1968 o'clock.)
• Bernie knows exactly how it feels to be a woman in America. Is he a woman? Is he trans? No. He just knows.
• Bernie can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
• Bernie can speak Braille, Cobalt, Klingon, and Egyptian Hieroglyphic.
• Bernie actually died after his recent heart attack, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him. (And because Medicare for all.)
• Every miracle that we think Jesus performed--walking on water, turning water into wine, fishes and loaves, etc.--Bernie did first and did better. 
• Bernie taught RuPaul how to sashay, chanté.
• Bernie knew Frederick Douglass. Frederick Douglass was Bernie's friend. You, sir, are no Frederick Douglass.

* * *

For the record, I'm not in the tank for South Bend, Indiana, Mayor Pete Buttigieg. Not yet anyway.

Oh, I like him. I think he's thoughtful, well spoken, and a highly conscientious, perhaps even moral, person. (Who can say what secrets lie within any of us at this point?) I like the fact that he is a religious person and a veteran, even though I am neither of those. It's a refreshing change in public life.

Do I think he's qualified to be president? No, not really. He seems awfully young, but it's more that I am concerned he's very untested in the cutthroat world of Washington politics. I think he would learn and would learn quickly and that he is wise beyond his years. But I'd prefer to see someone with a little more seasoning with Pete at most as vice president or at least as a member of Congress first.

For the record, I'm not really in the tank for any of them at this point. And with the Iowa caucuses now done (I guess ...) and the New Hampshire primary up next, this is a problem for me. And I suspect it's a problem for many others, too.

I am Sackashit Fierce!

Oh, honey, that sounds like a dare.

Cryptkeeperella, I know you see yourself as all Ilsa She-Wolf of the SS, but even the Nazis didn't last forever. And they had plans for a thousand year Reich, when y'all can't even get through Infrastructure Week without falling on your asphalt.

And they didn't see the end coming either.