My friend, the Music Lover, and I were out shopping on Saturday and made our regular pilgrimage to Barnes & Noble, the last-man-standing of the big-box book, DVD, and music retailers, at least in little ol' Steeltown USA.
While the Music Lover busied himself with a purpose (and not a dubious one, finding for sale the final season of Secret Diary of a Call Girl), I wasted a few more precious moments of oxygen scouring the bargain bin for, hope against hope, something worthy. And cheap.
And, lo, I was rewarded! Here was something cheap and worthy--for me to poop on! A 10-episode (count 'em, 10!) DVD collection of "very special episodes" of early '90s nominally successful TV series, Blossom, starring Mayim Bialik as the titular character, TV journeyman Ted Wass as "Dad," and he-of-the-formerly-auburn-locks-and-snug-fitting-blue-jeans Joey Lawrence as the the guy who said "Whoa!" a lot.
How to explain Blossom? It was 'tween when 'tween wasn't quite yet cool or at least ubiquitous. The storyline was essentially this: Blossom's mother abandoned the family to pursue her own life and career interests. As a result, Blossom's cool Dad of a session musician was struggling to raise young Blossom (get it? Blossom? Young, sweet, just beginning to grow and come into her own? Do we need to spell it out for you?!), her dumb jock brother Joey (sort of Justin Bieber for 15 minutes in 1993, but with better hair and a penis), and the other one, played by Michael Stoyanov, a recovering drug addict and alcoholic.
Add in Blossom's quirky, sidekick friend Six, and hijinx and hilarity ensue.
In the '90s, this was known as family comedy. In the 2010s, this would be known as a cry for help resulting in a Child Protective Services order.
For someone so disparaging, I do know a little too much about Blossom, don't I? You caught me out: I vaguely remember watching episodes of the show (at least ten very special ones, I'm sure) on Friday nights with an old boyfriend, Moody Cat, during the early '90s. For me, part of the show's lingering . . . appeal? . . . fascination? . . . trainwreckification? . . . was this: Moody Cat did the best imitation of Blossom's goofy, too-cute charm. Sort of a misshapen smile with the word "Heeee!" gurgled out softly and finished off over a slightly protruding tongue between the teeth. "Aren't I just the cutest thing?" was the text (it was Blossom; there was no subtext). I can't convey it here, or really at all. You just had to be there. It may be the only fond memory I have of that relationship and 1993.
To me, the show never seemed to find its surest footing (was it a comedy? was it a drama? was it a parody?) and appears to me now to be another fine example of how pop culture went straight into the toilet immediately after 1985. Seriously, who but a misanthrope or an imbecile (or a stage mother) would dress the show's star in a crazy-old-lady sunflower hat and slipcover of a dress and try to sell the concept as "fun" to tween girls? They got Joey Lawrence right--every tween girl (and then some) would want to have sex with him, even if they didn't quite know what sex was yet. (This was the early '90s after all.) And Dad-as-cool-musician would appeal as well. But extra-brother-as-recovering-social-realist-drug-addict, this was a good character exploration for whom exactly? And Mom-as-absent-yet-constantly-present-specter in the lives of Blossom's family? Yeesh. I'm beginning to understand why the mother abandoned the family in the first place.
Despite my old boyfriend's snarky imitation, Mayim Bialik was never the problem with Blossom. (Really, weren't there enough already?) She's gone on to an advanced degree in neuroscience from UCLA and a guest starring role on The Big Bang Theory as Amy Farrah Fowler, Sheldon's intellectual peer, arrogant fellow traveler, and sorta-kinda girlfriend. You go, Blossom!
So, like the DVD cover tantalizes, if you want to "see how it all began!" for Mayim (and where it all ended for the other actors on the show), be sure to stop by the $4.99-or-less bin at your local Barnes & Noble.
While supplies last.
Don't rush.
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