Banana coward

Oh look, somebody's made an homage to Nigel Farage and his never-ending quest to be top banana (with a dash of salted caramel).

Consider him shaken--milkshaken--yet not stirred, at least not stirred to be a better human being.

European song stress, Part 1

It was something of a dreary, arduous week for me, work- and life-wise. All was fine, at the end of the day, but by Thursday I felt taxed and spent as if by a Republican Congress and still had a long Friday of meetings and machinations to endure.

So while contemplating my existence, scarfing down wine gums (the dinner of champions), and channel-surfing, it was a pleasant surprise indeed to stumble upon the 2nd semi-finals of the 2019 Eurovision Song Contest, on tape delay from Tel Aviv, airing on Omni, a Canadian TV channel devoted to multiculturalism as experienced in the Greater Toronto Area.

I settled in for the program and then made a note of the finals on Saturday night, which I ended up catching early and live on RTVE from Madrid (the pleasure and financial peril of a la carte cable offerings).

Alas, none of my favorites won this year, although I did get a couple of placings in the Top 10. I wasn't disappointed with the winner--the Netherlands! for the first time since I was 13! But never mind that--I'm now going to torment you with my favorites, much as I've been doing to myself and my Facebook friends all week.

Author's note: Updated Sunday, May 19, with commentary. Lucky you!

***

Malta!

Is this reggaeton? Is this trap EDM? Is this both or neither? I don't know, but it's obviously represents a musical trend (see "Replay" below and perhaps even "She Got Me").

No matter the genre, what I like is that it's just a very straightforward pop song--immediately hummable and singable, at least by me. I like the singer, too, 18-year old Michela Pace, who won a singing competition in Malta (Malta's Got Talent, Maltese Idol, ✠ Factor, I don't recall) et voilà, now she's on stage at the ESC.

I think she has a lovely pop voice with the most adorable little rasp or squeak--it will be interesting to see what else she can sing with it over time. I like, too, that she looks like a normal 18-year old woman: beautiful and real, not like she spent her wonder years on a Disney backlot in Orlando being groomed for show biz!

Despite the very contemporary sound and high production values, Michela and her visual representation hark back to what I imagine early Eurovision resembled, particularly from the 1960s: A fresh-faced young singer with a catchy tune, perhaps a bit of an ingenue or ever-so-slightly rough around the edges. Even the eye-popping, colorful, video and stage show, feels like a modern take on Flower Power and Rave culture.

Never mind that Michela wasn't even alive in those eras. She's got a good team that knows how to maximize her vocal and visual appeal.



Switzerland!

*Sigh* Isn't Luca Hänni just dreamy?

Seriously, he has looks and talent, a real flair for dance and acting (I love the whole "pumping heart" move near the end of the video), along with a powerful voice and an instantly addictive song.

So, yeah, he looks a bit young and innocent to be hanging out with these hoochies in the video, but he's old enough to know what he's doing, I'm sure. Apparently, prior to starting his pop career, he was a bricklayer, and I will just keep the smutty comments to myself, OK?

I've heard him compared to Justin Timberlake. I can see a slight resemblance in looks and style, but to me he feels less imitative than JT. No diss to Justin, I think he does well, and I don't fully agree with the whole "cultural appropriation" call-out of Timberlake in recent times. Yes, he can very WBS (white boy soul) but so were the Beatles and the Stones back in the day, Anglo interpreters of African-American music. It's a valid genre, although you may prefer the original to the translation.

I think Luca sits comfortably in the WBS pantheon, but he's so energetic, so spirited, that he transcends the classification, not unlike JT himself and certainly much more than JB (Justin Bieber) does.

Also, is it not amazing how Europeans, Africans, Asians, and others can not only speak in multiple languages but sing in them, too? Diction is hard, folks, even for native speakers. Imagine being from a country with four official languages and then learning English well enough to communicate and sing it in.

As a child growing up in North Carolina listening to shortwave radio and listening to ABBA records (a lifelong love inspired by the 1974 Eurovision Song Contest), all I ever dreamed of being was European and multilingual. And yet somehow I ended up semi-Canadian, bilingual (English and Spanish, not English and French), capable of quoting The Andy Griffith Show and A Tuna Christmas, and incapable of carrying a tune beyond the confines of my condo.

Life is strange, Luca is so far away, and a brick shy of a lay load.



Cyprus!

I call this song "The Revenge of 'Fuego'," "Fuego" being Cyprus's entry to Eurovision in 2018, a song that came in 1st runner-up in the competition, thanks to the Vegas-or-bust performance by Greek/Albanian/TBD* star, Eleni Foureira. I think the winner, Netta's "Toy" was a standout and deserved the accolades it received, and the fact that "Fuego" came in second--a song literally and figuratively about being hot, which stands in stark contrast to Netta's ode to women's empowerment (and chicken clucking!)--is understandable. But, really, if you could have had two winners, Eleni would be right up there with Netta, at least in my humble pop-loving heart.

First, let me say that while I love "Replay," I get that it is in similar vein to "Fuego," a bit shamelessly in fact. Written by the same composer as "Fuego," it mines the same genre of, let's call it, Levantine reggaeton, that "Fuego" does, that "Chameleon" does, and to some degree, that "She Got Me" does. I think in some musical ways "Replay" improves upon "Fuego," but "Fuego" does feel more memorable in other respects. Maybe it's the lesbian leit motif in the video (by the way, how far apart are Cyprus and Lesbos?), not to mention the torching of a Mercedes or Rolls Royce that takes place near the end. No doubt a metaphor for British and German culture and power going up in flames with the rabble-rousing rise of the Mediterranean South. (Not really, but I'll be sure to use that idea in an overwrought research paper some day.)

Second, who ever thought that skullcaps and fetish wear were sexy? OK, fetish wear can be a little sexy, sure--in the parade of nations, Tamta appeared in a fuchsia mini, thigh-high PVC boots, and a crimped blonde bob, looking every bit the power pop diva (vintage Madonna but actually sexy)--but that diamond-studded belt as brassiere that she wears in the video just looks painful. And I am of the opinion that skullcaps should not be seen outside of a hospital operating room or a monastery, especially if they are fuchsia.

Having said all that, Tamta, a Greek national of Georgian heritage, has incredible stage presence. It comes across in the video, but it really comes across in her live performance. I think she does a good pop vocal turn as well, as evidenced here and in other songs of her I've listened to on Spotify.

Pop burns brightly, then quickly fades. Pop is short for "popular" but might also refer to the sound a song makes (pop!) when a hit explodes on the charts. Like fireworks, the flash is brilliant but quickly dissipates and all that's left is a residue of smoke and soot. So all this is to say we're not doing rocket surgery here (despite the appearance of a skullcap that looks like a brain worn on the outside of Tamta's head). But, dang it, I like my musical candy, and this is a darn fine example of the flash-in-the pan possibilities (and limits) of the genre.

* Check out this Wikipedia article (and take it with a grain of salt) to find out more about Eleni's heritage, real and imagined. Is she Greek? Is she Albanian? Is she part Brazilian? Is she part Italian? Who knows? But it's a little sad that Albanians are viewed so dismally in Greece that you have to hide who you are. Surely Eleni's va-va-va-voom-ness and talent should be enough to welcome her into your radios, TVs, and playlists.



Albania!

Yes, actually Albania. There is a bit too much fire and water for my taste in this video and it's questionable to take tips from your stylist who surely must have worked on the Game of Thrones set at some point, but this is Eurovision at its artiest--a popular song sung entirely in Albanian by a powerful voice that channels the Balkan/Bulgarian women's choirs that made the rounds of the hip-igentsia music scene a couple of decades ago.

I don't have much to say about this one, believe it or not, other than I love it. I might get up and dance to Michela, Luca, or Tamta, but I would sit down and listen to Jonida Maliqi anytime.



Slovenia!

This is my other arthouse favorite from this year's Eurovision--a very lowkey but rather stately pop song from are-they-a-couple-or-aren't-they performers Zala Kralj and Gašper Šantl from Slovenia.

(Yes, my international character keyboard is getting a workout today.)

The song and the performers do an amazing job of presenting a mood, an aura--the fact that it's sung in Slovenian seems beside the point. This to me is one of the best parts of Eurovision--that music can be sung in languages other than English and still be appreciated.

At least up to a point--countries can now submit songs sung in their language of choice, including English. It's an English-speaking world, the lingua franca of today, and thus many countries choose to put forward songs in a language not generally spoken in their countries. So I admire that Slovenia stuck close to its roots and presented a beautiful, haunting song that evokes a mood and perhaps a culture, too.

And just imagine! They made Slovenia famous and didn't have to strip naked, simulate lesbianism, or marry a swollen orange toad in the process!

Yes, Melania, I am looking at you ....



Lithuania!

Less arthouse and more just dreamy-eyed pop from the Baltic republic of Lithuania. Good golly, this guy is beautiful and has the voice to match. Again, a rather non-traditional choice, perhaps too lowkey in this pop pyrotechnic day and age--Jurij Veklenko didn't make it past the semi-finals, unfortunately.

But what a lovely, passionate tune.

Side note: Jurij has appeared at Eurovision before, as backup singer and stage performer in Lithuania's effervescent hootenanny entry from 2015. This is an adorable little number with two compelling performers--sort of a Baltic Barbie and Ken but with heart, joy, and moving parts. You can see Jurij in the background, but what makes his performance extra special happens at about 1:35.

"One kiss!" Indeed, Jurij, that's all I'm asking for, one damn kiss.



 * * *

Oh, I have more, at least three additional songs and performers that I would like to highlight. But it's a sunny, warm day in Toronto, one of the few, the proud this spring, and I have stuff to do, places to be, and stalking of Lithuanian and Swiss pop stars to do. So we'll hopefully pick up Part 2 later this week.

Dare to dream, bitches!

Grass clippings with a twist

Mate and bombilla in a calabaza.
Source: Wikimedia Commons. CC BY-SA 2.5

One of the things I forgot to do when I visited Argentina last year was drink the traditional beverage-- mate (pronounced "mah-teh"), or yerba mate, which, in theory, is sort of like a green tea, one of indigenous origin, existing prior to the settlement of South America by the Spanish and the Portuguese.

It's a popular beverage. I even saw someone on the Buenos Aires subway drinking it in the traditional way. There's a whole thing to it--a calabaza or gourd, a bombilla or silver or metal straw with one end serving as a sieve for the tea, and a traditional process for making it. You're supposed to pour the dry mate into the gourd, shake it to loosen the small bits, make a well in the calabaza with the bombilla, then slowly pour in warm water (not boiling). Next you let it brew a bit, then sip It through the bombilla. It has a social aspect, too, with people passing around the beverage to share.

The guy I saw drinking it was holding the gourd in one hand and had a Thermos tucked under his arm. He loosened the lid of the Thermos with his free hand and poured hot water into the gourd, all while perfectly balanced, without holding on to a subway strap or a pole. Impressive.

I've had mate before, years ago, in San Antonio, but I'd never had it done the proper way. So after the fact, I wanted to give it a try, and, figuring it might be a long while before I get back to Buenos Aires, I ordered a bombilla, calabaza, and mate through Amazon.

It took a couple of weeks to arrive. There's a whole post in the making about the complexities of Canadian customs and duties and what Amazon.ca and other retailers have to do to get your merch to you. Amazon.ca works well, generally, and is affordable, generally, but for other retailers based in the States (and let's face it, most retailers are based in the States) is more complicated and costly to get what you want in a timely manner.

Understandably, Amazon doesn't have warehouses full of mate, calabazas, and bombillas at their Greater Toronto Area distribution center in Brampton. (If there were an Amazon.ar, I'm sure they would.) So the mate had something of an arduous, roundabout journey to get here: The mate was packaged in Argentina for the Spanish market (and then perhaps further distributed to Syria and Lebanon, where the drink apparently is popular), then sold by a German online retailer, to some guy with weird tastes in Canada.

Thus mate is a global drink--or at least one that tastes like something that's been shifted around the world in an old container ship for several years. A container ship repurposed from an oil tanker that, in turn, had been repurposed from a fish trawler.

Sorry, Argentina, I love you, and I know mate is your national beverage and all that, but this is the most disgusting thing I've had in a long while--and I grew up on collards, pot likker, and Cheerwine.

What does mate taste like? Well, how to describe ... here are some possibilities:

• It's like drinking smoky yard waste that have the appearance of existing in a state somewhere between liquid and solid. 
• It's like you put a metal pipe into a storm drain near a golf course and thought, wow, I bet this will taste good. 
• It's like you fell face first into a bayou down stream from an alpaca rendering plant and thought, well, come to think of it, I am thirsty .... 
• It's like you gathered together a bunch of moldy, used chamomile tea bags, then repeatedly shot them out of a cannon, then hosed them down with a cocktail made from rancid Lilac Vegetal and Jean Naté cologne, and then made a tea out of it.
• It's like Walt Whitman traveled to Argentina and then wrote an ode to the beverage, entitling it "Leaves of Ass." 
• It's like the Grassy Knoll was made into a beverage that assassinates your tastebuds over and over again.

Most people I gather drink it straight, but others add a little sugar or honey, and others add lemon or orange peel. Some like it hot (or at least warm), and some like it cold. But even some sugar wouldn't fix this lukewarm mess. Dumping the entire yield of the Caribbean sugar crop and the Florida citrus crop wouldn't mask or erase that unmistakable taste of a beverage that I am guessing was originally proposed as a dare or revenge. And neither rain, nor snow, nor heat, nor gloom of night could make mate taste like anything other than the grass fire it is.

History tells us that the beverage originated among the Guaraní peoples of South America. I can only assume it was offered to the Spanish as revenge for smallpox. It seems like a fair if somewhat passive-aggressive exchange--an "I hate you but not quite enough to kill you" approach to the problem of the European conquest.

Hours later I couldn't un-taste the mate.

I think back to the guy on the subway with the calabaza and bombilla. He was at most thirty-something and attractive in that dirty blond German-meets-the Global South way (which I already have a weakness for), wearing a tanktop and jeans. I must admit that he had a slightly earthy, slightly peculiar, slightly funky aroma about him--which, months later, I realize was the odor emanating from the mate and not the man.

Apologies to Argentines, Paraguayans, Brazilians, Uruguayans, Syrians, Lebanese, and anyone else who imbibes mate and might be offended by this review. I know mate is a cultural thing. I know I should be less judgmental and "Western" in my thinking. Perhaps it's an acquired taste.

A taste acquired after a steady diet of Liquid Smoke, kale juice, and the sweat from Diego Maradona's jockstrap. Or mulch, napalm, and the runoff from a 19th-century gaucho's bathhouse. Or roadside weeds, singed hair, and the overflow from the mop bucket used at Eva Perón's mother's boarding house.

Thank goodness all those Italians moved to Argentina and brought with them their espresso makers, wine, sparkling water, and fancy sodas. 

Mate, me mata--Mate, you're killing me. And I'm not quite ready to die just yet.

"You disgust me!"

Take a mental health break with Jeanine Pirro pic.twitter.com/M2d2vHyNdo

— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) May 9, 2019

For several days, I've been trying to find this Daily Show video, "Daily Affirmation with Jeanine Pirro," to share with the wider world. Pirro's raging smoker's voice is every bit as beautiful and life-affirming as she is herself on her Fox News hot mess of a TV show.

"You disgust me!"

Don't you know she was a dominatrix in a previous life? And maybe still is in this life.

Big pimpin' on Facebook

College-aged Pornhub star son with nipple, arm, and abs

Good golly, I have been tested this week.

On Facebook, if you can read about my tacky tastes and blunt assessments of our political world or hear my loudmouth opinions and silly jokes, you're part of my "inner circle" list, people with whom I share some history and humor and hold some views in common.

There's an "outer circle" of people I know professionally, "impersonally" (not well at all), used to know (many [but not all people] from high school), and those who can't resist making a leering, off-color, rabidly crazy, or otherwise inappropriate remark whenever I post a photo or share a thought.

I'm lazy and should clean up my timeline, but there you have it.

As you may have detected, I can be ... snarky. And sometimes certain people in the outer circle provide a certain amount of ... snarkspiration,™ if you will.

This is one of those times.

Tormenting me in particular at the moment:

• There's the person who named her child after an internal body part because she goofed on the original spelling. Or so I'm assuming.
• There's the guy who is a champion of self-promotion and insists on using a photo in his media releases (sorry, I mean posts) with the most egregiously waxed eyebrows this side of RuPaul's Drag Race. 
• There's the gal with perfectly normal eyebrows whose every photo looks like it's part of a weird "Country Christian Playboy" portfolio. Barbie Benton meets The 700 Club. Or some such.
• And there's the couple who seem to love their college-aged son a little too much. The lingering close-ups of his muscled torso while he preens for the camera seem too close, too adoring for comfort.

Dear lascivious parents, just so you know, the images didn't go unappreciated by likely-not-your-target-audience. Unless of course you're aiming for the kid to fund his way through school with a sideline pay-to-play jack-off site. And, if so, I need a password!

There's probably nothing inherently pornographic about these parents pimpin' out their favored son. (It should be noted that the other young man in some of the photos--a brother or half-brother or step-brother apparently--doesn't seem to get the same amount or depth attention.) If anything, Junior's fit physique seems as praiseworthy as every other moment or accomplishment in the young's man life, all of which are treated with adoration and veneration and recorded for posterity, in either still or moving image.

We can always assume that a well muscled torso will catch my eye. It's just that there are so darn many of these photos and videos--Junior goes swimming! Junior works out! Junior checks out his definition in the mirror! Junior shows off his guns! Junior meets other muscle men at the gym! So, naturally, I look, question the intent of these photos (Junior's smile--not shown here--seems as posed for maximum effect as his muscle shots), and tsk-tsk-tsk the hapless parents.

Meanwhile, I work out a script in my head involving Junior the horndog's fiancée making him wait 'til marriage, and one of his muscle-bound friends at the gym help him relieve some pre-wedding night tension in the locker room ....

Of course, for all the schadenfreude, I dare not think too much about people snickering over my ridiculousness, ignorance, and out-and-out dumbness. In my own way, with my tacky tastes, my silly jokes, my blunt assessments of our political world, my loudmouth opinions, what have you, I am sure I provide some schadenfreudic satisfaction to others.

Snark giveth and snark taketh away.

But at the moment it giveth more than it taketh--and this makes my mouth hurt from having to bite my tongue so much.

Poker face

A Friend In Need by Cassius Marcellus Coolidge (1903).
Public Domain. Source: Wikimedia Commons.

Random Saturday thought.

That painting--or rather, series of paintings--of dogs playing poker makes absolutely no sense.

No dog could keep a poker face even if the promise of a lifetime of treats and belly rubs depended upon it.

Impeachment keen

Spring is here and a not-so-young country's fancy turns to ... impeachment.

America has but three candidates to choose from in what must be the worst conceptualization of The Dating Game ever imagined by an overtired, undercaffeinated blogger, i.e., yours truly.

Bachelor No. 1, America's Vegan Horndog, Bill Clinton; Bachelor No. 2, American's Top County Commissioner with Some Pretty High-Falutin' Aspirations There Buddy, Richard Nixon; and the man of the hour, Bachelor No. 3, Civil War-era Mack Daddy and something of a dead ringer for my Uncle Lonnie minus the quiffy hair, Andrew Johnson.

Confidentially, the distinctions and nuances of their situations evade me, dear reader. I am sure you will not be surprised to learn that I am not a presidential historian, nor do I show up on evening current affairs programs to play one on TV.

Therefore, all I can say is that I don't think even Andrew Johnson's mother talked about his presidency as much as MSNBC does.

And that's what I like about the South

The Peachoid water tower, Gaffney, South Carolina
Wikimedia Commons, CC0

So a few of my colleagues went to Atlanta, Georgia, recently for a conference. Since then I've been asking them about their trip, particularly related to food and language usage, two of my favorite themes.

For example,

Colleague #1: "I was talking with this native Atlantian ... is that what you call someone from Atlanta?"

Me: "Atlantan. They're not from Atlantis, they're from Atlanta. You could also say, 'Yew from Lanuh?' This is another acceptable way to refer to someone from Atlanta."

Colleague #2: "We went to this restaurant featuring traditional Southern foods ..."

Me (inside my head): *You found a place that serves Moon Pies and Sun Drop?!*

Colleague #2: "I tried the cornbread. I must say it was rather dry ..."

Me: "Then it's the real deal. If it takes sweet, then that's just cake, also known as Yankee cornbread."

Colleague #2: "But they gave us this little dipping sauce ..."

Me (inside my head): *WTF?*

Colleague #2: "It was like a broth. They said it was made from vegetables. They cook the vegetables in this broth and then use the broth ..."

Me: "Pot likker. You mean pot likker."

Colleague #2: "Yes! That's it! They said it was called 'pot liquor.'"

Me: "So you were with our vegetarian colleague at this restaurant? And she had some of the pot likker?"

Colleague #2: "Yes."

Me: "Did anyone mention to her that pot likker is likely not vegetarian? If it's done authentically, then the vegetables are cooked with bacon, fat back, salt pork, bacon grease, something with meat. It's definitely not vegetarian."

Colleague #2: "She wondered."

That thing: Advenures in cooking

My waffles will never be this pretty nor will my strawberries ever be this fresh.
A Belgian waffle with strawberries by Parkerman & Christie.
Source: Wikimedia Commons. CC BY-2.0.

 

That thing.

That thing where you want to make waffles, but you think you know the recipe well enough that you don't need to look at it, but you do anyway, but not closely, so you add in 2 cups of sugar and some pureed strawberries, which makes the batter very sweet, and then when you cook them, they want to burn, and you can't figure out why, nor do you understand why these are the only waffles you've ever made that don't need any syrup, why it's practically built in?

And that thing when you read the recipe carefully this time, and realize that while the strawberries were a nice touch, you only needed 2 tablespoons of sugar, not 2 cups, and the high sugar content meant that the waffles have a *sugar crust,* which is the thing that was making them burn, but nonetheless, they don't really burn, they're edible, in fact they taste good, if a little sweet?

And that thing where you shrug it off, thinking OK, you're a little dumb like that sometimes, or don't spend enough time reading, or you need new glasses, or you were just really, really, hungry, and, oh my, wouldn't a nap be lovely right now?

Yeah, that thing.

Not quilty!

This may be my favorite tweet ever.

The typo in and of itself is hilarious. But the comments are priceless.

I'm still trying to work on a riff involving quilted Northern toilet paper and the phrase, "Does a Barr shit in the woods?" Even though the toilet paper bears represent the Charmin brand, not the Northern brand.

I'll keep at it, dear reader, for both our sakes.

Barr none

If nothing else, yesterday's U.S. Senate hearing starring Attorney General William Barr was entertaining--at least if you are easily entertained by animatronic animals featured in Disney's Country Bear Jamboree.

Nevertheless, the performance of the lead, Lying Sack of Shit Bear, could use some finesse.

Boys with Luv and BBQ sauce

Posted on BlogTO, 30 April 2019

This just in: K-Pop boy band BTS spotted dining at Korean restaurant in Toronto.

Next up: Justin Bieber, Shawn Mendes, and Johnny Orlando seen drinking double-doubles and slamming maple glazed at a Tim Horton's in Seoul.

I have a difficult time taking BTS and all the other K-Pop stars seriously (Blackpink?). But I gotta hand it to them--it's no mean feat to be scoring top ten albums and singles on the North American charts while singing in Korean.

Bravo. Kudos. Gangnam style!