Showing posts with label ripped from the headlines. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ripped from the headlines. Show all posts

Friday, November 09, 2012

(Not) Petrae'ed

Official photo of David Petraeus,
Director of the Central Intelligence Agency
Let it be known that I really don't care about David Petraeus's admission that he has had an extramarital affair.

I don't see how that's relevant to his job in government, although I could see how it might put him in a compromising position as head of the Central Intelligence Agency. Trying to keep things secret when you're head of one of the world's largest Secrets-is-My-Business entities. Awkward.

But then, arguments like that were used against gays in military or "secret" service for years. So neither stones nor aspersions will be cast from this glass-walled apartment. We've all made some bone-headed mistakes because of a boner. Who knows what goes on inside a relationship? I would prefer not to, and I feel sorry for all parties that this has become public knowledge.

Nevertheless, if the likes of David Petraeus can't keep an extramarital relationship under wraps, what chance do the rest of us stand? Especially those unfortunates that end up on Cheaters?

Saturday, November 19, 2011

What's so funny?

"Obama is a socialist," says Rick Perry, according to a headline from CNN.

And Rick Perry is a dumb ass says Montag. And legions of others, I would imagine.

One thing I have tried to do in this new(ish) blog is not write so much about politics, or at least not write so seriously about politics. I really felt that sometime between summer 2009 and earlier this year I lost my way, not to mention by sense of humor. As did the rest of the country.

It's been a rough go over the last couple of years, for me and for our little First World hotspot, with some good happening but some bad as well.

The good (at least for me): In summer 2009, I spent 3+ weeks in Montréal, Québec, studying French, something I had never formally done. (Spanish was my second language and has served me well over the years.) In these pages, you'll see a lot of homages and shout-outs to France, Québec, and French and Francophone culture. I enjoy French-language pop, particularly that made in France and Québec, and I'm trying to learn more about customs, heritage, history, and language of Francophonie.

My time in Montréal was sort of a paying-the-piper moment. After hanging off French culture for many a year, I figured it was time that I actually learned some French. And while I'm by no stretch of the imagination fluent or even highly capable in the language, it has paid off in little ways, even if sometimes that payoff has "just" meant more satisfaction with my life.

Doing the can-can-can: We take what we can, when we can, while we can.

I was definitely living in a bubble those weeks in Montréal--a bubble that floated along with hot-and-cold-running paté, poutine, and brie and pear sandwiches on baguette, no less. While I stayed in the dorms without a TV, I did have a computer and followed the news . . . but chiefly only the Canadian and international news. And other than an occasional foot floating ashore near Vancouver, or a serial killer loose on the prairie, there just isn't the kind of "ripped from the headlines" happenings in our dear neighbor to the north as we are used to down south.

One of the beautiful things about traveling overseas is not being American for a while. Oh, sure, everyone can soon figure it out from the accent, the clothes, the lack of foreign language skills, and the brashness mixed oddly with social conservatism and a general lack of whimsy. But still, a boy can dream of not living in an in-your-face, capitalist-a-go-go empire that, frankly, has seen better days and more interesting shopping and music, n'est-ce pas? I like to, at least. It is perhaps my biggest regret in life, not traveling more and not taking the leap when I was younger to live outside the country. But it's not over yet. Or so I keep telling myself.

The bad: When I finally came home, I found myself in the middle of one of those very American tempests-in-a-tea-party--a national meltdown over the Obama health insurance reform plan. How this mild-mannered, seemingly reasonable-if-imperfect approach to health insurance and healthcare reform could engender such a virulent response is still beyond me. But that it did. For weeks, months on end.

In short, many members of the Leftist-or-Bust Community didn't think it went nearly far enough (no national, single-payer system a la Canada and Britain) and were completely dissatisfied.

The Right Lunatic Fringe (sorry, folks, I see no reason to pull my punches at this late date and even treat that lot as though there were a reasonable point underneath their histrionics) kept screaming that it was "socialism" (to require everyone to have a health insurance plan? really? and mandatory car insurance is what exactly?); that is was fascism (anything that has a "requirement" to spend money on others, I guess, is fascism; "requiring" people not to have access to birth control, abortion, marriage rights, healthcare, etc., is clearly democracy in(space optional)action); that it was an extreme over-reaching of presidential and congressional power (depending on whether you were trying to knock out the POTUS or the Democrat-majority Congress as well); that if the Founding Fathers and John Galt were alive today . . . yadda and yadda and even more yadda.

Let me just sum up my deep thoughts on that last point as succinctly as possible: Who gives a flying fanny about what a bunch of old, upper class white dudes might think about what we're doing today? Times change. Life morphs. While we should recall, understand, and even occasionally pay homage to our history, I think it makes more sense to adapt and to not stay preserved in the amber of the past, whether the past in question is 18th-century Enlightenment or Common Era biblical teachings. If the FF Posse were alive today, I'm sure they would have enough trouble first adjusting to a few other realities: Easy, heavy-duty firepower, New York during rush hour, crystal meth, rap music, and Girls Gone Wild--let alone strict interpretations of the Constitution in order to demonize social betterment.

And who cares who John Galt is? He's a freakin' fictional character crafted (poorly, it should be noted) by a woman embittered by her experiences in Communist Russia and yet who still ended up taking government money when she became infirmed later in life. "Do as I say, not as I do," with really ponderous imagery. Ayn Rand=Newt Gingrich in drag.

Oh, bitch, pleez. Do not use the trials and tribulations of the 1 percent as some sort of voodoo doll, a terrorism-lite way to silence the masses from wanting a little more responsibility and hubris from society's movers/shakers/marauders/bandits.

So, imagine, a dreamlike, wonderful time abroad, a momentary escape from the American day-to-day. Then ding-dong, open the door to your Mystery Date--and he's a dud in the form of some fat cat (or otherwise) alleged "independent" with tea bags dangling from a tri-cornered hat. No thanks, I'll stay single.

We are not amused. And, really, two years later on, it is very, very, very difficult to be amused by any of this--a Wacky Races approach to choosing an opposition candidate and a current administration that seems way too reliant on the Hanna/Barbera-influenced GOP to make the case for no change at the top.

Oh, and let's not forget a very bad economy, one that has seen more mishaps than Wile E. Coyote putting all his money on Acme products performing well on the stock market.

Frankly, I'm disappointed all-around, at both and all sides. Disappointed that we have such poor leadership of all political persuasions (really, thinking back to the "debate" over health insurance reform, I've seen chickens form a more perfect union than the Democrats). Disappointed at the continuing use of fear to manipulate the electorate. Disappointed at the prevalence of massive amounts of cash to subvert the democratic process (or is that now the democratic process? I can honestly not tell).  Disappointed that the same ol' same ol' keeps happening. Disappointed that nothing much seems to happen to make things better. And disappointed that we--you and me both--keep putting up with it. By rights, the Occupy movement ought to have a lot more people in the street, including yours truly.

There's nothing much funny about any of this.

And, yet, laugh we must. At least I must. Because, in part, I'm tired of grinding my teeth, yelling at the TV, and treating despair as a vegetable. The GOP debates alone are a comic delight--at least the Twitter feeds I read about them are. Lordy, I can't bring myself to watch them. Five, seven, ten, twelve, of the most boringly stentorian white people on the planet, North American wing, that seem dogged in their intention to outdo the other in ridiculousness and outrageousness.

SimCity-based tax plans. Ending the college loan program because you believe it is the cause of bloated tuition increases and education debt. Letting those in need die because it goes against your cerebral approach to self-reliance. Closing down government departments even if you can't remember which ones. Citing Christ as putting you on the path to righteousness while you served your cancer-stricken wife with divorce papers. Being a little too weirded out by homosexuality. Existing as the technically semi-human entity known as Michele Bachmann.

Talk about a mangy bunch of chickens.

And yet laugh we musn't because laughing, while a salve, seems also to have a soporific effect. If we laugh too much, are we lulled into a sense of complacency, a feeling that none of this really matters, that in no way can we make a difference and change who owns this country and how it operates?

Meanwhile, people in Syria continue to die in the streets fighting for something better with no known end or outcome in sight . . .

What I've tried to do in blogging is treat it as a place for laughs, yes, but also treat it as a record of my thoughts, observations, and feelings. Amusement is certainly one aspect of my intellectual record, even if that intellectual record includes a few too many cuts on soap operas and pop. Laughing at histrionic politicos, hopped-up pundits, and the conventions of societal belief is certainly cathartic but also hopefully illuminating.

Maybe it's time to put aside my discomfort over getting menacing emails from Western state-based patriots and snarky tweets from Newt Gingrich's boot-lickers (both of which have happened in the past). I promise I'll try not to lose my sense of humor this time. But I will also aim a little higher and smarter at some of our sacred political cows.

A fair warning, though: My aim and my eyesight are not all that good. So sometimes I'll shoot from the lip and hit 'em right between the eyes. At other times, I may use a more shoot from the hip approach and find my target just above or below the belt, give or take.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Whoa, nelly

Ripped from the headlines,
Report: Sandusky admits 'horsed around,' but insists he's 'innocent'
Sure, I buy it, Jerry Sandusky! And like any other over-excited stallion, you just couldn't control yourself and "accidentally" and "innocently" anally penetrated a 10-year-old boy. All part of your definition of "horseplay," I'm sure. Who wouldn't buy that?

Jerry, why don't you just shut the fuck up now? You're not doing yourself or your 10-year-old victim(s) any favors by showing your lying, douchebuggery self for the entire world to see.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Only in Western Pennsylvania

And neighboring Ohio. And sometimes West Virginia.

Proof that . . . that . . . well, stuff happens here.
  • A rock slide on Mount Washington blocks the main road up to this heavily populated neighborhood. Rock slides happen so often in our ever-shifting urban geography, I couldn't even find a news article about the event. Seriously, our local weather forecast should always go something like this: Mostly cloudy and rainy, with a 50 percent chance of rock slides. And they happen not just in little out of the way places but on the Route 28 freeway, Boulevard of the Allies, and, yes, even Mount Washington.
  • Pittsburgh metropolitan area regularly ranked #1--this time for worst, most structurally deficient bridges in the U.S. For a region of over 2 million people, 3 rivers, and hundreds of bridges, this is no small worry/no mean feat. Congratulations, Pittsburgh! More bridge drops, collapses, and reconstruction awaits you!
  • Amish men shame other Amish men by cutting their beards. It's like some totally psychosexual crime committed by Mo, Larry, and Shemp. I'm reminded of that spoof from The Onion several years ago about the Amish porn channel. The old Late Night with Conan O'Brien did an even more elaborate (and funnier) video version of the channel, which involved women churning butter in a rapid-fire manner. Sorry, can't find the clip, and, besides, this is a family blog.
  • Which makes me wonder . . . If there were an Amish version of SoapNet, would a catfight in Amish country mean that the women spend the big face-off untying each others' bonnets in a fit of pique? Throwing glasses of milk in each others' faces? Would an extramarital affair involve being seen riding in the same buggy with a man who is not your spouse? Or letting your horse "accidentally" wander into another man's pasture to graze? 'Cause I could so get into that channel.
  • There's a monkey on the loose near Zanesville, Ohio. That monkey may have herpes. This is apparently the story's hook, according to reporting by various local TV stations. I wonder why this particular detail is so important to stress. I mean, how likely is it that any of us would ever find ourselves in need of the STD history of a monkey?
  • Thinking about that in relation to where I live sends a chill up my spine. Move. Soon. To a less-likely-to-f*ck-a-monkey kind of place.
  • (11:24 pm) Oh wait, the monkey may have been eaten by a lion. But, wow, the local news teams were all over that monkey-with-herpes story. It's like they had a monkey with herpes on their back. Or something.
What does one do with this amalgamation of knowledge? Other than share it with the wider world?

Here's my list

Today's top CNN story:

"Five Things We Learned from Tuesday's GOP Debate"

Imagine my surprise to learn that it was more of the same--immigration, Herman Cain's Sim City tax plan, Romney vs. Perry, Perry vs. Romney--with one ringer, a shout-out to Pennsylvania's littlest paranoiac, Rick Santorum.

No, unfortunately, for the length of the debate he wasn't exiled to a gay bar, as was recently done on an episode of Saturday Night Live.

Now how a nation continues to give attention to a candidate that even the Keystone State (a Commonwealth not known for its high standards in political figures . . . or much else) tossed out after one term, just boggles. But at least he's as perversely entertaining as Perry and Bachmann, proof that even the high falutin' Northeast, not solely the South, West, or Midwest, can help the national economy by producing its share of nutbars.

Anyway, the other surprise is that CNN's list attempted to discuss the debate, that CNN actually took the debate seriously, as if the world's worst swimsuit competition (thank you, Samantha Bee for that observation) really had anything to say.

My list of "five things learned from Tuesday's GOP debate" looks decidedly different--and, for once, is far more succinct:
  1. Herman Cain--we're screwed. And we end up smelling like onions and peppers in the process.
  2. Michele Bachmann--we're screwed. Worse, it's a three-way. We're screwed by crazy her and her "definitely not gay" husband.
  3. Rick Perry--we're screwed. And executed. So it's like Friday Night Lights meets a snuff film.
  4. Mitt Romney--we're screwed. And it's the most boring screw ever, one that no matter how freely or repeatedly offered, no one, under any circumstances, actually wants.
  5. Rick Santorum--we're screwed, but not completely. Mainly because, approaching the climax of screwing, Santorum would most likely jump up, rush to the shower, do a ritual cleansing, then, as he frenetically and nervously dressed himself, blurt out "This was a mistake!" He'd scurry out the door without even a promise to call you. But give it a couple of years, and he'll be back on the scene, trying to screw you again.

Oh, trust me, I've been there. And so will we all if things keep going like this.

Unfortunately, what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas. Sometimes, in fact, it follows you all the way to Washington and tries to institute an English-only policy and a tax structure based on a 10-year-old computer game.

The more things change, the more things feel like a Windows 2000 kind of world.