 |
| Girl, you know it's not true. "Believe Tour 13, 2012" by Joe Bielawa; uploaded by MyCanon - Justin Bieber. Licensed under CC BY 2.0 via Wikimedia Commons. |
"Our special guest tonight is . . . Adam Levine!" Seriously, dude, are you gonna do ribbon-cuttings at nail salons and gas stations next? P.S. I hate your music.
"He's my soulmate!" Any contestant on The Bachelor. Actually, I think he's his own soulmate, dear.
"Looks like Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together again!" I get the whole moth to the flame thing, but this is more like a moth to the firebombing of Dresden. No, girl. Please, no.
"We need to teach men not to rape."
OK, this one drives me crazy for a couple of reasons. For one thing, I don't remember anyone actually teaching me this; I just kinda knew it from the get-go not to do so.
For another, it makes men sound incredibly stupid.
And finally, if you have to repeat this phrase over and over again, then many men are, in fact, incredibly stupid. Not to mention venal, clueless, cruel, delusional, hateful, ignorant, bullying, lacking in empathy and common decency . . . .
Alright you win: We'll keep repeating this one until everybody gets the message.
"Next up, the Steelers . . ." (Also acceptable, "Next up, the Stillers . . .").
I know I'm on thin ice here (and for some this is a worse offense than the previous comment), but do come the effin' on.
Not every newscast has to mention the Steelers. Not everyone has to react like Pavlov's pooch every time they are mentioned. Not everyone wants to see a couple of sweaty, over-muscled jocks pound each other into the ground (unless it's in a porno, of course--hey, what can I say? I know my audience).
"Buhraaack Obaaahmuh"--as pronounced by U.S. Senator Michele "Glassy-Eyed" Bachmann in her usual Ambien-induced hangover.
"Today John McCain said . . . " absolutely nothing worth reporting on ever, unless he recited his own epitaph just before he croaked it.
"I pay my taxes/I'm a taxpaying citizen/as a taxpayer/whatever." Hey, guess what, most of us are taxpayers, too!--except for the corporations and oligarchs that get away with not paying taxes because they pander to your fear that someone out there is getting one over on you. (Pssst. The ones who are telling you that someone is getting one over on you are the ones who are getting one over on you.)
"Congress went on recess." Enough said.
"Today Justin Bieber was involved in another slapfight with Orlando Bloom." OK, you're right, that one is worth hearing again. And again and again and again.
"We need to teach men not to rape."
OK, this one drives me crazy for a couple of reasons. For one thing, I don't remember anyone actually teaching me this; I just kinda knew it from the get-go not to do so.
For another, it makes men sound incredibly stupid.
And finally, if you have to repeat this phrase over and over again, then many men are, in fact, incredibly stupid. Not to mention venal, clueless, cruel, delusional, hateful, ignorant, bullying, lacking in empathy and common decency . . . .
Alright you win: We'll keep repeating this one until everybody gets the message.
"Next up, the Steelers . . ." (Also acceptable, "Next up, the Stillers . . .").
I know I'm on thin ice here (and for some this is a worse offense than the previous comment), but do come the effin' on.
Not every newscast has to mention the Steelers. Not everyone has to react like Pavlov's pooch every time they are mentioned. Not everyone wants to see a couple of sweaty, over-muscled jocks pound each other into the ground (unless it's in a porno, of course--hey, what can I say? I know my audience).
"Buhraaack Obaaahmuh"--as pronounced by U.S. Senator Michele "Glassy-Eyed" Bachmann in her usual Ambien-induced hangover.
"Today John McCain said . . . " absolutely nothing worth reporting on ever, unless he recited his own epitaph just before he croaked it.
"I pay my taxes/I'm a taxpaying citizen/as a taxpayer/whatever." Hey, guess what, most of us are taxpayers, too!--except for the corporations and oligarchs that get away with not paying taxes because they pander to your fear that someone out there is getting one over on you. (Pssst. The ones who are telling you that someone is getting one over on you are the ones who are getting one over on you.)
"Congress went on recess." Enough said.
"Today Justin Bieber was involved in another slapfight with Orlando Bloom." OK, you're right, that one is worth hearing again. And again and again and again.
No comments:
Post a Comment