Still more Attitude Challenge

Girl, you know it's not true. "Believe Tour 13, 2012"
by Joe Bielawa; uploaded by MyCanon -
Justin Bieber. Licensed under CC BY 2.0
via Wikimedia Commons.

Phrases that I hope never to hear again, Part 1.

"Our special guest tonight is . . . Adam Levine!" Seriously, dude, are you gonna do ribbon-cuttings at nail salons and gas stations next? P.S. I hate your music.

"He's my soulmate!" Any contestant on The Bachelor. Actually, I think he's his own soulmate, dear.

"Looks like Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together again!" I get the whole moth to the flame thing, but this is more like a moth to the firebombing of Dresden. No, girl. Please, no.

"We need to teach men not to rape."

OK, this one drives me crazy for a couple of reasons. For one thing, I don't remember anyone actually teaching me this; I just kinda knew it from the get-go not to do so.

For another, it makes men sound incredibly stupid.

And finally, if you have to repeat this phrase over and over again, then many men are, in fact, incredibly stupid. Not to mention venal, clueless, cruel, delusional, hateful, ignorant, bullying, lacking in empathy and common decency . . . .

Alright you win: We'll keep repeating this one until everybody gets the message.

"Next up, the Steelers . . ." (Also acceptable, "Next up, the Stillers . . .").

I know I'm on thin ice here (and for some this is a worse offense than the previous comment), but do come the effin' on.

Not every newscast has to mention the Steelers. Not everyone has to react like Pavlov's pooch every time they are mentioned. Not everyone wants to see a couple of sweaty, over-muscled jocks pound each other into the ground (unless it's in a porno, of course--hey, what can I say? I know my audience).

"Buhraaack Obaaahmuh"--as pronounced by U.S. Senator Michele "Glassy-Eyed" Bachmann in her usual Ambien-induced hangover.

"Today John McCain said . . . " absolutely nothing worth reporting on ever, unless he recited his own epitaph just before he croaked it.

"I pay my taxes/I'm a taxpaying citizen/as a taxpayer/whatever." Hey, guess what, most of us are taxpayers, too!--except for the corporations and oligarchs that get away with not paying taxes because they pander to your fear that someone out there is getting one over on you. (Pssst. The ones who are telling you that someone is getting one over on you are the ones who are getting one over on you.)

"Congress went on recess." Enough said.

"Today Justin Bieber was involved in another slapfight with Orlando Bloom." OK, you're right, that one is worth hearing again. And again and again and again.

Justin 3:16

Because God so loathed the world, he gave us, the one, the only, Justin Bieber.

Spotted at the Target in East Liberty, Pittsburgh. In the seasonal department hereby known as "Christmas in Hell with Justin Bieber."

All in all, you have to hand it to the toy designer, as it is an amazingly accurate replica of La Bieber.

Oversized head and hair? Check. Check.

Generic Old Navy wardrobe? (or since he's from Canada, maybe from the Roots Outlet in Niagara Falls, Ontario?) Check.

Solid, molded plastic body and demeanor? Oh, yes, definitely check on that.

"Bieberconda" in tow? (What can I say? I've read about such things on the Intertubes.)

Actually, that I did not check. And I can't say that I feel too saddened by that missed opportunity.

Like a version

Justin Bieber and Usher have just released a version of "The Christmas Song" ("Chestnuts roasting on an open fire . . .") well in advance of the holidays.

Good lordy. If you ever needed proof that God secretly hates America, whoop, there it is.

"Let's see: I've given them the Tea Party, the Gulf spill, an East Coast earthquake, Lindsay Lohan, crystal meth (as a package deal,  no less!), the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression, serious economic inequality, a 24/7 punditocracy, obesity, auto-tune, and Michele Bachmann.

"I tried to throw 'em a bone by giving them a smart guy as president, and they completely messed that one up. I even gave them one last chance by having Sarah Palin decide not to run for president (for now). And how do they repay me? By worshiping Steve Jobs, rather than me.

"So it's back to being a hater! Now what is the gift that keeps on giving my spleen? I know! Let's have a prepubescent Canadian with bad hair who sings through his nose join forces with a nasal-voiced American entertainment impresario who looks like he's been chasing after parked cars. And let's have them record one of America's most beautiful Christmas carols!

"Surely, everyone will get the point this time! I mean, I can't get much more unsubtle in my loathing than the Usher and the Bieber doing a Quiet Storm rendition of one of my son's birthday songs, right?"

I agree, God, seems fairly monolith-to-glass-house to me, but, lo, we are a dense lot and in need of constant reminders of your wrath, apparently.

All I can say in America's defense is that maybe we are missing your point because we're too busy fantasizing over the possibility of roasting the Usher and the Bieber's chestnuts on an open fire.

Frankly, it's the only fantasy that makes this reality the least bit tolerable.

Now where is my lighter fluid . . .

The stamp act

All I can say about this is--

Justin Bieber! Justin Bieber! Justin Bieber! Justin Bieber!

Even though he is technically Canadian.

(Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

A more traditional (and proudly American) choice might be a Kim Kardashian stamp, as pretty much everybody's licked her backside already. Less of a shock to the system, although, really, in that scenario, a shock should be the least of your worries. You'd be lucky if your tongue didn't disintegrate on contact with her "sticky side."

"Ew" is right.

* * *

"Can I Get One Sheet of the Lady Gagas . . . " New York Times, 27 September 2011. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/27/us/postal-service-will-begin-honoring-living-people-on-stamps.html.