Justin Bieber and Usher have just released a version of "The Christmas Song" ("Chestnuts roasting on an open fire . . .") well in advance of the holidays.
Good lordy. If you ever needed proof that God secretly hates America, whoop, there it is.
"Let's see: I've given them the Tea Party, the Gulf spill, an East Coast earthquake, Lindsay Lohan, crystal meth (as a package deal, no less!), the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression, serious economic inequality, a 24/7 punditocracy, obesity, auto-tune, and Michele Bachmann.
"I tried to throw 'em a bone by giving them a smart guy as president, and they completely messed that one up. I even gave them one last chance by having Sarah Palin decide not to run for president (for now). And how do they repay me? By worshiping Steve Jobs, rather than me.
"So it's back to being a hater! Now what is the gift that keeps on giving my spleen? I know! Let's have a prepubescent Canadian with bad hair who sings through his nose join forces with a nasal-voiced American entertainment impresario who looks like he's been chasing after parked cars. And let's have them record one of America's most beautiful Christmas carols!
"Surely, everyone will get the point this time! I mean, I can't get much more unsubtle in my loathing than the Usher and the Bieber doing a Quiet Storm rendition of one of my son's birthday songs, right?"
I agree, God, seems fairly monolith-to-glass-house to me, but, lo, we are a dense lot and in need of constant reminders of your wrath, apparently.
All I can say in America's defense is that maybe we are missing your point because we're too busy fantasizing over the possibility of roasting the Usher and the Bieber's chestnuts on an open fire.
Frankly, it's the only fantasy that makes this reality the least bit tolerable.
Now where is my lighter fluid . . .
Good lordy. If you ever needed proof that God secretly hates America, whoop, there it is.
"Let's see: I've given them the Tea Party, the Gulf spill, an East Coast earthquake, Lindsay Lohan, crystal meth (as a package deal, no less!), the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression, serious economic inequality, a 24/7 punditocracy, obesity, auto-tune, and Michele Bachmann.
"I tried to throw 'em a bone by giving them a smart guy as president, and they completely messed that one up. I even gave them one last chance by having Sarah Palin decide not to run for president (for now). And how do they repay me? By worshiping Steve Jobs, rather than me.
"So it's back to being a hater! Now what is the gift that keeps on giving my spleen? I know! Let's have a prepubescent Canadian with bad hair who sings through his nose join forces with a nasal-voiced American entertainment impresario who looks like he's been chasing after parked cars. And let's have them record one of America's most beautiful Christmas carols!
"Surely, everyone will get the point this time! I mean, I can't get much more unsubtle in my loathing than the Usher and the Bieber doing a Quiet Storm rendition of one of my son's birthday songs, right?"
I agree, God, seems fairly monolith-to-glass-house to me, but, lo, we are a dense lot and in need of constant reminders of your wrath, apparently.
All I can say in America's defense is that maybe we are missing your point because we're too busy fantasizing over the possibility of roasting the Usher and the Bieber's chestnuts on an open fire.
Frankly, it's the only fantasy that makes this reality the least bit tolerable.
Now where is my lighter fluid . . .
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