Angry Spice

Editor's note: Normally, Saturday Night Live clips from official sources (e.g., NBC television) are blocked for viewing outside the U.S. However, I can view this (not from an official source) clip in Canada, so I'm assuming you can view this regardless of your location. Watch it before it's removed for copyright infringement.

Update 10 February 2017: And of course it's now gone! If you're in Canada, you can watch it here.

And that was the week that was.

If Melissa McCarthy doesn't get an Emmy for the prop-box alone, there is no justice.

But if Trump and Bannon have their way, there may indeed be no justice.

Race Bannon vs. Racist Bannon

Editor's note: I made this.

In case you're having trouble telling the difference . . .

It's an unfact!

Kellyanne Conway's grade school primer revealed.

Don't think too much about the use of the word "golden" in the title.

On second thought, maybe you should.

We're not into Barbie

And we can only hope living with a guilty conscience is even harder.

Chili con carnage

So what exactly is "American carnage"? I mean, other than an alt-right, ultra-conservative dreamscape for the coming four years?

As best I can figure, it's the filling for the "best taco bowls" served up at Trump Tower Grill.

Happy Veinte de Enero! I love Twitter-Manics!

American carnage

But for too many of our citizens, a different reality exists: 

Mothers and children trapped in poverty in our inner cities; rusted-out factories scattered like tombstones across the landscape of our nation; an education system flush with cash, but which leaves our young and beautiful students deprived of knowledge; and the crime and gangs and drugs that have stolen too many lives and robbed our country of so much unrealized potential.

This American carnage stops right here and stops right now.

--The Inaugural address of Donald J. Trump, the 45th President of the United States of America

Oh, American carnage. That ol' thing.

Been there, done that, got the blood-spattered t-shirt.

Star-Spangled Girl, or, Kellyanne's Kustom Kostume

Gurrrrrrl, please. 

This is what happens when you alienate all your gay male friends. They let you leave the house looking like a scarecrow in Revolutionary War drag. Or as a friend put it, "looking like a cashier at Burger Chef during the Bicentennial."

Thoughts and prayers, Kellyanne, thoughts and prayers.

Simply ravaging

"We must protect our borders from the ravages of other countries."

Bitch, please. You can't protect yourself from the ravages of time, spray tan, and combovers. How the hell you gonna protect our borders?

The gift that keeps on giving

"Eet ees peanut breetle. Ees from Cracker Barrel on New Dzhersey Ternpike. Vee stop before eenter Delaverr. Donal haf to pee . . . ."

"Hmm. Well. So it is. Now isn't that nice?"

In the bag

What exactly is going on here?

Looking at this photo taken during yesterday's Inauguration ceremony for the Pissy Mango, my best guess is that former President George W. Bush is trying to suffocate himself using a drycleaning bag that just blew in from the National Mall.

I don't blame him. Who among us hasn't contemplated that in the last 24 hours?

Miss ya, Dubya. Sincerely. And no, I never thought I'd hear myself say that either.

But Dick Cheney, oh so quiet these last few months, you can still go straight to hell.

* * *

Oh my gods, I spoke too soon! Look out Mr. Former President Bush! The Evil Cheney's right behind you!

Obama out

Give us this day

You're in? I'm not

"Sensor operated washroom fixtures" by Steve Mann.
Copyright 2004. License: CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported.

From today's news:

Don's What?--Portable Toilet Names Covered for Trump's Inauguration

Apparently, there is a brand of portable toilet called Don's Johns, which are being used at the upcoming Presidential Inauguration, aka The End of American Civilization As We Know It.

Obviously the company can't use its real product name because that would be demeaning to the President-Elect and the exalted office he is about to hold.

When contacted for comment, Donald Trump stated that he was surprised that so many porta-potties would be needed for the the Inaugural events on the National Mall. "What's the bigly deal? When I'm in the mood for a pee, I always just hire Russian prostitutes to do it for me," he noted.

I think I have to agree with the Golden Don on this one--what indeed is the bigly deal? It's not like they're called Trump's Dumps after all. Now *that* would be demeaning.

We're jammin'

"Country Bear Jamboree" by Whitenep - Own work, Public Domain

Just announced: Disney's Country Bear Jamboree agrees to perform at the Trump Inauguration.

Best responses to this news from Facebook friends:

"I thought the bear had more integrity than that" - my sister.

"And this is how bears get a bad reputation" - my bearish friend SK.

Worst kept secret

Who wants to be a vermillionaire?

I don't. Worst. Gameshow. Ever.

But I think I've figured something out. Burnt Umber Berlusconi's approach to politicking is akin to the marketing campaign for Rhonda Byrnes's The Secret.

"I know The Secret! And I'll tell it to you--in my book, available for just $39.99. Call now! Operators are standing by!"

Except that instead of selling anything, Creamsicle Mussolini keeps saying, "I know A Secret! Keep tuning in and I'll tell you . . . on Tuesday! Or maybe Wednesday! Not sure yet!"

True enough, we're not being asked to buy any specific product, but I'm sure we'll all end up paying one way or another.

Thanks to all those who voted for him, to those who felt it necessary to issue a protest vote, and to those who didn't vote at all. I'll wave at you from the northern side of Lake Ontario--although I'm not sure that will put out or just fan the flames of Conflagration, America's Favorite Bored Game.™

Oh well. You were great while you lasted, land of the free, home of the brave.

'Tis the season

"How *dare* you say 'Happy Holidays!' to me, you ungrateful little heathen!"

This is what I imagine happening all over Trump's America™ in the coming days.

(Special pretzels to those of you who recognize the fantastic Constance Ford as Ada Davis McGowan Hobson, et al., from the late, lamented Another World. The show was canceled nearly 20 years ago and yet, je me souviens.)

He voted

Vladimir Putin voted. Did you?

Smack my Trump up

By the Tangerine Nightmare's own admission, he's a bitch--or at the very least like a bitch.

Which is pretty much the same thing.

Look out below!

This week, Not My President-Elect Donald Trump claimed that he won the Electoral College in a landslide--and would have the popular vote "if you deduct the millions of people who voted illegally."

I have no idea what that statement means. Any of it.

Granted, Trump won the Electoral College, that ineffective vestige of the Founding Fathers hedging their bets on popular democracy. (Wasn't it designed to prevent check and balance stuff like this from happening? Or was it really just another opportunity for the Southern States to show their butt to the rest of the country?) Trump won by 74 votes--significant, I agree, but hardly the Reagan-Mondale blowout of yore. (For those keeping score, it was Reagan 525, Mondale 13.)

In fact, Trump's Electoral College victory ranks only 44th (scroll down to the entry for November 29, 2016)--and there have been 58 presidential elections since the founding of the United States.

Currently, Hillary Clinton leads by at least 2.5 million votes--and yet is still not the winner of the presidential election in the crazy clusterfuck that is the American electoral system. Can we have a candidate win the popular vote and still be declared the loser? Check. Can we have a winner even when all votes have yet to be counted nearly a month later? Double check.

It's not as though Trump is the only one claiming he won a landslide. There's word from America's Next Top Enabler, Kellyanne Conway, that Trump won in a "landslide" of some sort.

I am also trying to find a video or report read earlier this evening in which Cool Theocrat Mike Pence claimed Trump won a landslide victory.

Yet in a way I have to agree. This was a landslide victory--if we use the original meaning of landslide as our guide:

landslide ‎(plural landslides)

1. A natural disaster that involves the breakup and downhill flow of rock, mud, water and anything caught in the path.

So it's a landslide only in the sense that once it starts barreling downhill, it's likely to suffocate, destroy, and kill everything that lies below.

Nonetheless, let's not get too worked up over the latest bit of worse living through technology. It's early days still. We're all gonna need to pace our outrage. There are four long years ahead of us--barring any sort of miracle such as an actual, physical landslide or "those 2nd Amendment people" taking matters into their own hands.

And ol' Leather Rot hasn't even started the job yet.

The war on Christmas

Voice of America News: Scott Bobb reports from Aleppo, Syria.
"Free Syrian Army soldier walking among rubble in Aleppo
during the Syrian civil war." 6 October 2012. Public Domain.

As soon as your local mall starts resembling modern-day Aleppo, then you can claim there's a "war" on Christmas.

Until that day arrives--and I seriously doubt it will even under a President Trump--then please do us all a favor: Be quiet and think about how good you have it when your big outrage is whether a store clerk says "Happy Holidays" or "Merry Christmas" to you.

* * *

Regrettably, I couldn't find many public domain or shareable photos of what Aleppo looks like today. It is far worse than this image shows. I will keep trying because we all need to be aware of what's going on and has been going on for ages and yet have done all too little to help.