I'm a lumberjack and I'm definitely not OK

. . . with this shit.

Douchebags in the woods: The no. 1 cause of suicide homicide in the lumberjack community.

Canada remembers: Who shot J.R. Ewing?

From the Canadian tabloid 24 Hours (Toronto)

Canada remembers who shot J.R. Ewing in 1980.

However, it doesn't remember that J.R. was seriously wounded, not actually killed in 1980.

Sigh.

I wouldn't tap that

Well, somebody had to say it ....

Courtly behavior II

Courtly behavior

I can see Canada from my house

"Palin while visiting Ketchikan during her gubernatorial
campaign in 2006" by Bob Weinstein. CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported.

I'm seeing buzz on Twitter this morning that Sarah Palin may be nominated as United States ambassador to Canada.

As the kids might say, 😲

Or maybe, 😳

Or maybe, 🙄

Or maybe we're all just laughing our tuques off.

A few quick observations--

• What did Canada ever do to hurt the U.S. so badly? Yes, some Canadians could earn an Olympic medal in patting themselves on the back, being self-satisfied about their nation and their lives compared to their American cousins. But is that any reason to inflict Sarah Palin on them--or anyone? I mean, if the Trump administration is so interested in torture, might I suggest letting Sarah set up her own Abu Graib-like black ops re-education center somewhere outside of Kotzebue?

• So much for the northern escape route. You thought you could treat Canada once again as your safety school (thank you, Stephen Colbert, for that observation) and flee Trump's America by trying to emigrate to Canada--without having a real sense of how to do it or how difficult it is to do. 

But the best way to do that is to vote--and not vote conservative, right wing, alt-right, Republican, or Jill Stein.

• Tut, tut, really, there's nothing to worry about: Sarah's sled dogs will turn on her and eat her alive before she gets as far as Dawson City.

Or she'll quit midway through her term.

Either way, problem solved.

* * *

A silver lining?

Canada, like most Western nations, has concerns about low birthrate, an aging population, and how to maintain societal viability under such circumstances--and immigration, especially immigration that favors young families, is one way to address that.  

(Editor's note: As I have discovered in my efforts to apply for permanent residency in Canada, one gets zero points for being over 50, single, and childless. This means that even with a work permit, a master's degree, a lengthy professional record, fluency in English and some competency in French, not to mention a well-paying job, I still just barely score high enough to be considered by using the Citizenship and Immigration Canada online analysis tool. But such is life.)

But if Bristol Palin joins Sarah in Ottawa and continues to promote abstinence-only sex education in Canada--all the while caring for her two children born without benefit of marriage--the Canadian birthrate will sky rocket!

Cross-border diplomacy achieved--and problem solved again.

Angry Spice

Editor's note: Normally, Saturday Night Live clips from official sources (e.g., NBC television) are blocked for viewing outside the U.S. However, I can view this (not from an official source) clip in Canada, so I'm assuming you can view this regardless of your location. Watch it before it's removed for copyright infringement.

Update 10 February 2017: And of course it's now gone! If you're in Canada, you can watch it here.

And that was the week that was.

If Melissa McCarthy doesn't get an Emmy for the prop-box alone, there is no justice.

But if Trump and Bannon have their way, there may indeed be no justice.

Race Bannon vs. Racist Bannon

Editor's note: I made this.

In case you're having trouble telling the difference . . .

It's an unfact!

Kellyanne Conway's grade school primer revealed.

Don't think too much about the use of the word "golden" in the title.

On second thought, maybe you should.

We're not into Barbie

And we can only hope living with a guilty conscience is even harder.

Chili con carnage

So what exactly is "American carnage"? I mean, other than an alt-right, ultra-conservative dreamscape for the coming four years?

As best I can figure, it's the filling for the "best taco bowls" served up at Trump Tower Grill.

Happy Veinte de Enero! I love Twitter-Manics!

American carnage

But for too many of our citizens, a different reality exists: 

Mothers and children trapped in poverty in our inner cities; rusted-out factories scattered like tombstones across the landscape of our nation; an education system flush with cash, but which leaves our young and beautiful students deprived of knowledge; and the crime and gangs and drugs that have stolen too many lives and robbed our country of so much unrealized potential.

This American carnage stops right here and stops right now.

--The Inaugural address of Donald J. Trump, the 45th President of the United States of America

Oh, American carnage. That ol' thing.

Been there, done that, got the blood-spattered t-shirt.

Star-Spangled Girl, or, Kellyanne's Kustom Kostume

Gurrrrrrl, please. 

This is what happens when you alienate all your gay male friends. They let you leave the house looking like a scarecrow in Revolutionary War drag. Or as a friend put it, "looking like a cashier at Burger Chef during the Bicentennial."

Thoughts and prayers, Kellyanne, thoughts and prayers.

Simply ravaging

"We must protect our borders from the ravages of other countries."

Bitch, please. You can't protect yourself from the ravages of time, spray tan, and combovers. How the hell you gonna protect our borders?

The gift that keeps on giving

"Eet ees peanut breetle. Ees from Cracker Barrel on New Dzhersey Ternpike. Vee stop before eenter Delaverr. Donal haf to pee . . . ."

"Hmm. Well. So it is. Now isn't that nice?"

In the bag

What exactly is going on here?

Looking at this photo taken during yesterday's Inauguration ceremony for the Pissy Mango, my best guess is that former President George W. Bush is trying to suffocate himself using a drycleaning bag that just blew in from the National Mall.

I don't blame him. Who among us hasn't contemplated that in the last 24 hours?

Miss ya, Dubya. Sincerely. And no, I never thought I'd hear myself say that either.

But Dick Cheney, oh so quiet these last few months, you can still go straight to hell.

* * *

Oh my gods, I spoke too soon! Look out Mr. Former President Bush! The Evil Cheney's right behind you!

Obama out

Give us this day

You're in? I'm not

"Sensor operated washroom fixtures" by Steve Mann.
Copyright 2004. License: CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported.

From today's news:

Don's What?--Portable Toilet Names Covered for Trump's Inauguration

Apparently, there is a brand of portable toilet called Don's Johns, which are being used at the upcoming Presidential Inauguration, aka The End of American Civilization As We Know It.

Obviously the company can't use its real product name because that would be demeaning to the President-Elect and the exalted office he is about to hold.

When contacted for comment, Donald Trump stated that he was surprised that so many porta-potties would be needed for the the Inaugural events on the National Mall. "What's the bigly deal? When I'm in the mood for a pee, I always just hire Russian prostitutes to do it for me," he noted.

I think I have to agree with the Golden Don on this one--what indeed is the bigly deal? It's not like they're called Trump's Dumps after all. Now *that* would be demeaning.

We're jammin'

"Country Bear Jamboree" by Whitenep - Own work, Public Domain

Just announced: Disney's Country Bear Jamboree agrees to perform at the Trump Inauguration.

Best responses to this news from Facebook friends:

"I thought the bear had more integrity than that" - my sister.

"And this is how bears get a bad reputation" - my bearish friend SK.